An Open Letter to Porn.

Dear Porn,

It feels weird to be writing a letter to a thing... but I have some things to say to you.

First, you suck. You really, really suck. You warp the minds of those who succumb to your addictive self into thinking that humanity, real humanity off the screen, isn't good enough, because you have created these stupid, unrealistic standards for humans to meet.

You ruin lives and relationships, and yet you still remain proud and defended by many.

Even people who see the damage you do in their own lives and communities still turn to you and your lies. Because you are good at lying. You are good at making people feel good about themselves, yet not good enough all at once.

And I hate you for it.

I hate for what you've done to the people I love. I hate that you break people down and make them into shells. You make people forget their children. I hate that I can't look at certain people in my life because I know that they flirt with you and put you above all other actual relationships.

I hate knowing you've affected other people that I love and I don't even know it. You're tricky. You tell this little tale that you are both acceptable and shameful. And so no one will reach out, oh no, no one will admit they struggle with you.

I hate what you've done to society. Women are now held up to porn-star standards in sex, looks, beauty, whatever. The women on screen are preferable to real, actual, breathing women.

I hate what you've done to the human body. No longer is the human body a good in and of itself, it is the end to a means: pleasure. You have warped the human body from a beautiful gift, a temple of all things good, to something that should simply bring pleasure to others.

I hate what you've done to me. I hate how I feel like I'm tethered to you. I hate how I relapse and go back to your lies and then think that this is how my life will be forever. I hate how I hate myself because I have turned into the person I've never dreamed of being. I hate knowing that you will forever have an impact on any intimate relationship I may have. I hate knowing that maybe I'll never actually get over you and that our relationship will hurt the people I love.

But the one thing I don't hate is knowing that people are starting to recognize how harmful you are. It's amazing to see people speak up against the toxic form of intimacy you market. And I know that this opposition is just the beginning. You will not win. Love always wins, over hate, over indifference, and over lust.

Eff you.

Katie

Sometimes I Fall Down.

I've been quite honest about my struggle with pornography and masturbation, but I've never been quite honest about my struggle. I've always alluded to the problem, but never really elaborated.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go into the graphic details. But I'm going to say something that I really don't want to admit.

Guys, this struggle is really hard, and sometimes I think there's no hope for me to stop. Just when I think I'm on the right track, I fall. Or I fall, and fall, and fall, and fall and wonder if there's such thing as "the right track".

It sucks. Lately I've been doing better, or at least trying to be nicer and more forgiving to myself.

I've gone a week without sinning, but recently gave into temptation once again. As soon as it launched, I downloaded the Victory app, which helps you keep track of your struggle as you fight the battle. Friends, it's amazing. It allows you to do three daily check-ins, and examines triggers. There's also a little book written by Matt Fradd and Jason Evert you can get. I've been trying to keep track daily,

My sister has been amazing. I recently came clean about my struggles, and she has been so supportive in helping me fight temptation. We talked about my triggers, and she's actually been taking my phone at night so I don't have it in bed. It's rough not having an alarm, but I'm planning on getting this one tomorrow. Going old school. I'm hoping that this habit will be something I'll be able to continue with one of my suitemates once I get back to school.

Before going to sleep, I try to do some reading. I made it a goal of mine to read the entirety of the Catechism, so I've been reading a few paragraphs of it each night. In addition, I'm reading Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell and Meet Your Mother by Mark Miravalle (my sister's favorite professor).

Finally, when I get in bed, I begin to pray the rosary. Sometimes I fall asleep while praying, but on the nights I pray this incredible prayer, I rarely sin, if ever.

If you're struggling, I recommend reading Matt Fradd's incredible book, Delivered as well as downloading the Victory app (link above).

Please pray for me, and know of my prayers for you. Friends, we were made for so much more than this. But, know that our struggles only make us stronger, and that we are fighting the good fight.

May you be made strong with all the strength that comes from his glorious power, and may you  be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the light. - Colossians 1:11-12

Keep going.

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An Open Letter to the Girl Who Looks at Porn

To the girl who looks at porn:

Hi. My name is Katie, and there's a great possibility that you don't know me, and never will. But if you'll allow me, I'd like to talk to you as a friend, as a sister, even. You see, we're quite alike, you and me. We both dream of being loved, unconditionally and without restriction. We search for that love. And we fall. We get back up, and we fall again. We feel hopeless and inadequate and lose faith. And sometimes we feel disgusting. Worst of all, we feel alone.

Here's the thing: we're not alone. For the past ten years I've struggled with pornography and masturbation and using them as coping skills for loneliness, boredom, depression, anger, etc. Every time I'd stumble, I'd look in the mirror with complete disgust at my reflection. What was wrong with me?

My self-hatred and disgust with myself wasn't helped when I realized I needed help. Google informed me that my struggles were actually a man's problem. Apparently, women just didn't struggle with this.

Google lied to me that day. Women DO struggle with pornography, and in fact, approximately eighteen percent of all women look at pornography daily. But we struggle in silence. I think Audrey Assad said it best. Women who struggle with pornography and masturbation are in single cells in a huge state prison: we think we're the only ones in the prison. Why is this? Because society teaches that 1) Pornography is a normal thing that guys do and it's just the fact of life and 2) Pornography is a normal thing that guys do. This makes us think that here's something wrong and we should be ashamed of our struggle with porn and/or masturbation.

When Jesus was crucified, it lead up to the most incredible, unbelievable moment of history: the resurrection. His darkest moments lead to the world's brightest. He conquered sin and death, so that it could have no power over us.

We are called to be children of the light.

I'm not going to lie to you: I still struggle with looking at porn and masturbation. And I still feel ashamed. I'll look at myself and feel like I have no right to God's love. That I am too far gone for His love, if He had known the choices I would make in my life, He wouldn't have died for me.

But here's the thing: God knows from the inside out. Psalm 139 says: You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb. He knit our entire selves, our whole selves. Each hair, each fingernail, each struggle, thought, hope, dream, fear. He knit them together and made a miracle that is uniquely you.

Each thread, each stitch is a part of God's divine plan. And He looks with you with such love, because you are His.

Remember that your struggles do not, have not, and will never define you. You are so much more. There is hope. You are not alone.

Love,
Katie

PS

Here are some resources for you to check out:

Beggar's Daughter - A Christian ministry specifically for women who struggle with porn/masturbation.
The Porn Effect - a Catholic ministry for both men and women struggling with porn and/or masturbation (my personal favorite)
Fight the New Drug - a secular resource

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0

Keep Calm and Carry On.

Those who struggle with mental illness know this: coping skills are key to a successful recovery as well as life with mental illness. I'm going to make a "master list" of coping skills that either a) I've tried or b) YOU'VE tried and would like to share. If you're interested in adding a helpful coping skill that is not on the list, simply fill out the form below. [contact-form to='cloudywithachanceofcatholic@gmail.com' subject='coping skills'][contact-field label='Name' type='name' required='1'/][contact-field label='Email' type='email' required='1'/][contact-field label='Website' type='url'/][contact-field label='Comment' type='textarea' required='1'/][/contact-form]

Happy coping!

Coping Skills 101

1. Journal

2. Write a letter to someone.

3. Call a friend.

4. Color.

5. BLAST music

6. Go on a walk

7. Look at pictures of puppies!

8. Rip paper into teeny tiny pieces.

9. take a warm shower, and sing as loud as you want.

10. Say a rosary, and concentrate on your breathing. Hail (Breathe in) Mary (breathe out) Full (breathe in) of (breathe out)... you get the picture.

11. Write God a letter. Tell Him how you really feel. Don't worry about fancy language.

12. Have a playlist of stupid, funny youtube videos you can watch when you're feeling down.

Newsflash! Women don't suffer from lust!

Just kidding. We do. We really do.

However, it seems to me that the world doesn't quite understand that yet. Women are the ones held accountable for keeping their brothers out of sin. No one seems to realize that women can face the exact same struggles.

I began looking at porn when I was around twelve years old. I found my grandfather's stash, and with a mixture of what was disgust and curiosity, I flipped through magazine after magazine every time I visited. I eventually discovered that pornography was easily accessible from the internet. It went from something I looked at on occasion to something I looked at at least once a day, if not multiple times.

When I first realized I had a problem, I looked up resources (Catholic, to be specific) to help me stop what I thought was a simple sin and bad habit. Everything I found was for men. Although I'm sure that many of the methods would have helped me if I had given them a shot, they made me feel like a freak. I felt like the only woman in the world who struggled with lust.

That's a lie.

Women do struggle with lust, and they struggle with pornography. If you are a woman who struggles with this, I'm writing this for you. You are NOT alone. You are not a freak. You are worthy of love, real, true love, and already beloved by a Father in heaven.

Maybe I'm wrong, but in my experience, it is next to impossible to just stop lusting and looking at porn. I haven't hit a point where I've permanently stopped, but I'm at a point where I realize the gravity of the sins I commit and am working hard to stop. Here are some things I've found helpful.

Ask God to help you see your true worth

It is important that you realize how beloved, important and cared for you are. Read scripture, religious writings. Surround yourself with positive people who uplift and love you. If you do not truly, fully believe that you are loved without end, without restrictions or conditions, I've discovered that you will continue to treat yourself as a purely sexual object, subjecting yourself to pornography.

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." - Zephaniah 3:17

Get all of your extra energy out

I noticed that when I worked out, even for just twenty minutes, it helped me a whole lot in the midst of temptation. Even if you're super super busy, think of exercising as a way of pampering yourself, and just do it.

Understand Your Triggers

What is it that causes the temptation? Try to understand what situations lead to your temptations. For me, it was late at night when I was restless or bored and my phone was handy. I would put on nature sounds and concentrate on my breathing to help myself fall asleep. I would put my phone under my sheets so it was harder to reach in times when I'd falter. Maybe for you it's reading romance novels or watching romantic movies that can cause you to feel a longing for connection, but not in a good way.

Jessica Harris of Beggar's Daughter has a whole series on the importance of identifying triggers, and the different type of triggers here.

Your body craves porn but the moment and your mind justifies it, but the moment you are finished, your heart cries out “How could you!” and your mind says, “Yeah! How could you?” - Jessica Harris

Tell a Friend and ask them to hold you accountable

Being honest about your problem can lead to some surprises, including the understanding that you are not alone. It also gives you the power over the sin. If you are ashamed and humiliated by it, you are letting sin control you, and have power over you. God died so that we might have power over sin. Ask a trustworthy friend to hold you accountable with your struggles.

Jessica Harris also wrote a series on the importance of accountability here.

Bottom line: we have to have people.  Pornography does not draw us toward people.  It draws us into ourselves.  It confines us to hours and days of secrecy, darkness, isolation, and fear, and many of you might be feeling the effects of that.  You feel socially awkward, even paranoid.  You feel depressed or lifeless.  You feel like you’re drifting. - Jessica Harris

Reconciliation. Lots, and lots of reconciliation.

I know the sacrament of Reconciliation can seem scary and intimidating. For years, I could not say the name of my sin in the confessional. I always confessed my involvement with "some impure things". It wasn't until I (accidentally) said the name of the sexual sins I struggled with that I realized that they had no power over me. Through His death and resurrection, Christ has freed us from the bondage and shackles of sin.  You are strong. God has given us power over our sin. Don't let the sin have power over you.

O death, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting? The sting of death is sin; and the power of sin is the law: but thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

Take advantage of the Eucharist

Did you know all Catholics have a secret weapon? Seriously.

Go often to Holy Communion. Go very often! This is your one remedy. - St. Therese of Lisieux 

Our one remedy! The Eucharist is our hope! When we receive the Body and Blood of Christ, we get so many graces. Did you know that the reception of communion wipes out venial sins, and gives power to stand strong in the face of mortal sin. If you can go to daily mass, go. Maybe it cuts into your Netflix time (guilty), but going to mass, and listening to the word of God, and receiving Christ's body and blood is worth cutting into that House of Cards marathon. There is nothing like the mass and the reception of the Eucharist. Nothing.

Hold On Hope

Hope is the theological virtue by which we desire the kingdom of heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ's promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit. "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." "The Holy Spirit . . . he poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that we might be justified by his grace and become heirs in hope of eternal life."

You may stumble and fall, but know that our God is good, and that He wants to heal you. He wants you to spend eternity with Him.

Persevere

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9

I am praying for you, sisters.