Thanks to my beautiful friends Tea and Megumi for letting me use their picture!

I'm Not Strong Enough

Can we all just talk super quick about how hard it is to ask for help? Whether it be with a project, or affording something, or during a time of doubt, it's probably one of the hardest things to do. When you ask for help, it's a rejection of pride and an admission to yourself and others that maybe, just maybe you don't have it all together.

Basically if we're not able to do it ourselves, we're weak. Or at least that's what we're told to believe. But in reality, the strongest people are the ones who are able to put aside their pride, and admit that they need help.

When I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, my mom made it clear that I could never put my problems on someone else. I had a hard time drawing the line of what was appropriate to mention and what was inappropriate. I'd say things about self-harm or my hospitalizations, and my mom would give me the "that's too much information" or "you're making other people feel bad/uncomfortable talks".

And so I learned to never, ever talk about how I felt with my friends.

It wasn't until my senior year of high school that a friend encouraged me to share my difficulties with her. I remember being pretty dumbfounded, and tread carefully when telling her about my problems.

She loved me after that, too.

My freshman year of college was basically a miracle. Everyone kept telling me how amazing I was doing and how proud they were of me. Which, when things got hard, made it so hard for me to ask for any help. I couldn't let everyone down. I was strong enough.

But, gosh, I wasn't. I'm still not. None of us are. Jesus wasn't strong enough to carry His cross on His own. Simon had to help Him out.

Sometimes, we can't do it on our own. And that's okay. God created us to be in community, with others and with Him. Don't be afraid to reach out to Him, and to those He has placed in your life.

Hands of Mercy, won't you cover me? Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough, strong enough, for both of us. 

Like My Mother Does

image via www.cassiepeasedesigns.com

Yesterday was the Feast of the Annunciation, the day that a fourteen year old girl said yes to God and literally saved the world.

When I was fourteen, I didn't even have the ability to sit through a guitar lesson.

But, wow, how beautiful is it that our Momma, without knowing what would come out of it, said 'yes' to bearing God's son?

What if she had said no? What if she had anxiety over how this baby would change her plans? She was supposed to marry Joseph and live a quiet life, and know suddenly she was to be pregnant, and unwed? It was almost a death sentence!

But she said yes. And thank the Lord she did, because she helped save humanity.

That is what we're all called to. To trust God so much, that we say yes, not knowing what that yes leads to. Our heavenly mother is an example of our potential.

God loves us so much that He gave us the ability to say no to His plans. But imagine the beauty that could come from our humble acceptance of His will!

I'm praying for you, that you see the beauty in God's plan for your life, and ask that you pray for me, that I understand the same.

Dear Me

Dear Me,

My 13th birthday party.

Hello from the future! Sadly, there are no flying cars, and no, you're not married to Orlando Bloom. I'm sorry, I did what I could. Also, you didn't win American Idol season 10 (why did you think that would be a thing?!?!)

I know that you're dreaming of the future and everything that you know it's going to be from all the books you've read. By the time you're twenty, you'll be engaged (at least), be GORGEOUS, be an A+ student in college with a job lined up for right after graduation, with the perfect, perfect life. Is that what you're imaging?

Well, stop.

I'm all for you exercising your imagination, but here's the deal: you are who you are. There's not a whole lot you can do to change that. The reason you dream of growing four inches and losing a hundred pounds isn't because of what people like Gretchen think. It's because of what you think.

Society's a liar, Katie. You don't have to be perfectly athletic and tall and blonde to be great. You don't have to be an A+ student and amazing at everything. Greatness is just being yourself.

I know you hate yourself. Don't try to deny it, lady. The scars on your arms prove it. But, there's nothing to hate! Katie, you love so much and so deeply. You care about your friends and family with your entire heart, and because of that, you have made some real, lasting relationships, and will continue to feed these relationships as well as create new ones. You have a smile that can light up an entire room, even if you claim it can't be because of your teeth (they're fine. I promise.)

Sometimes people take advantage of you and hurt you. But it's not your fault. I can't explain it, so I guess I'll just say it; sometimes, people are real assholes. You let them in and they rip your heart out and leave you broken. And you wonder what the point even is. Life. Love. Hope.

You've come so far already, and Katie, wait until you see how far you go at twenty one! You still fall, but I know something, something I wish with all my heart you knew: God loves you so freaking much. 

Not that corny "Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so" love, the love that moves mountains, creates seas, calms storms, brings the dead to life.

Real, heart stopping, death defying love. 

You can sing all the youth group songs you want. But I know your deep dark secret: when the second verse of "You are Loved" comes along, you can't sing it. You know what I'm talking about. The verse that goes like this:

"I am loved. I am beautiful. I am gift of God, His own creation. I am gift to all mankind, His gift of love to them. I am loved, God danced the day I was born".  

You can't sing it, because you know you'd be singing a lie. You don't believe you are loved, that you are beautiful, that you are a gift from God.

Oh, but Katie, you are. You so, so are. I'm tearing up just thinking of how completely, totally precious, loved, and needed, you, Katlyn Marie Therese Freddino were, are, and will be.

I wish I could tell you it all gets better. That everything gets so much easier and makes sense.

It doesn't.

But Katie, it's gets beautiful.

My life right now isn't easy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm surrounded by so much love, so many blessings, so much beauty. 

In a few years, you'll hear these lyrics. I know you'll appreciate them. (you're gonna cry)

You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You were made for so much more than all of this. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are HIS.

And during your freshman year of college, you'll hear these lyrics, and you'll cry, because they're the words you've never known how to say.

Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful? I wanna believe... I wanna believe, that I'm not just some wandering soul that can't be seen and can't be known. Yeah, I gotta believe, I gotta believe, that I am someone worth dying for.

And Katie... you are. You are worth dying for. How do I know? Because He already did it. He saw your beauty, and He died for you.

I know you won't believe this. You're too stubborn. But I wish you would.

Stay strong, beautiful. You'll make it.

Love,
You