Roll Away My Stone

As I said in my previous post, my Lent was not as fruitful as I had thought it would be on Ash Wednesday. I failed in all of my sacrifices and additional prayers I had promised to partake in, and I felt like I was moving backwards in my spiritual life instead of forwards. I recently figured out why my Lent had been so difficult.

It all began back in January or February. I was feeling depressed. It wasn't a big deal, I have major depressive disorder: feeling depressed comes with the package. For the most part, I was able to get over it on my own, so I didn't really feel a need to talk about it with my therapist or my mom, or anyone. However, I had no idea that the depression had taken a toll on not only on my mental and emotional health, but my spiritual life as well.

Since then, my prayer life has decreased, and I've been thinking things along the lines of "I'm fine without God's help". I was locked inside a tomb, blocked by a stone and unable to see the light.

But at the Easter Vigil, I felt something. I felt Jesus' presence so strongly that I wanted to cry. As Jesus' stone was rolled away and truth was brought to light, it felt like a stone that had been in my own heart was being rolled away.

Lord, I ask to to roll away all stones which are keeping me from being with you. Bring me to the light and let me live in your presence.

Good Friday Confessions.

All this week, I've seen posts about how wonderful an experience this Lent was for people. How they've grown closer to God, and learned humility, and their sacrifices all worked out.

And then there's this girl.

I'm the girl who deleted the facebook and twitter apps from her phone, but didn't have enough self control to stay off of the sites from Safari. I told myself I wasn't using the apps so I wasn't *really* breaking my sacrifice.

I'm the girl who made the promise to go to daily mass every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but in the entirety of Lent, went about five times.

I went to confession on Sunday night. And about two hours later, I sinned again.

And now as Lent's over, I felt angry at God that I didn't have some great spiritual experience. But, really, there's no reason to be angry.

I'm human. I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna get back up again, but chances are, I'll fall back down.

That's what Lent was like for me. A whole lot of falling and getting back up.

But: I got up. I didn't stay on the ground. I got back up.

My friend Christine wrote a great post that really spoke to me as I was struggling after my confession and immediate sinning. Through this weakness, God is giving me grace.

Tomorrow, I will be going to confession again. I'm getting back up, and I'm going to run.