Dear Me

Dear Me,

My 13th birthday party.

Hello from the future! Sadly, there are no flying cars, and no, you're not married to Orlando Bloom. I'm sorry, I did what I could. Also, you didn't win American Idol season 10 (why did you think that would be a thing?!?!)

I know that you're dreaming of the future and everything that you know it's going to be from all the books you've read. By the time you're twenty, you'll be engaged (at least), be GORGEOUS, be an A+ student in college with a job lined up for right after graduation, with the perfect, perfect life. Is that what you're imaging?

Well, stop.

I'm all for you exercising your imagination, but here's the deal: you are who you are. There's not a whole lot you can do to change that. The reason you dream of growing four inches and losing a hundred pounds isn't because of what people like Gretchen think. It's because of what you think.

Society's a liar, Katie. You don't have to be perfectly athletic and tall and blonde to be great. You don't have to be an A+ student and amazing at everything. Greatness is just being yourself.

I know you hate yourself. Don't try to deny it, lady. The scars on your arms prove it. But, there's nothing to hate! Katie, you love so much and so deeply. You care about your friends and family with your entire heart, and because of that, you have made some real, lasting relationships, and will continue to feed these relationships as well as create new ones. You have a smile that can light up an entire room, even if you claim it can't be because of your teeth (they're fine. I promise.)

Sometimes people take advantage of you and hurt you. But it's not your fault. I can't explain it, so I guess I'll just say it; sometimes, people are real assholes. You let them in and they rip your heart out and leave you broken. And you wonder what the point even is. Life. Love. Hope.

You've come so far already, and Katie, wait until you see how far you go at twenty one! You still fall, but I know something, something I wish with all my heart you knew: God loves you so freaking much. 

Not that corny "Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so" love, the love that moves mountains, creates seas, calms storms, brings the dead to life.

Real, heart stopping, death defying love. 

You can sing all the youth group songs you want. But I know your deep dark secret: when the second verse of "You are Loved" comes along, you can't sing it. You know what I'm talking about. The verse that goes like this:

"I am loved. I am beautiful. I am gift of God, His own creation. I am gift to all mankind, His gift of love to them. I am loved, God danced the day I was born".  

You can't sing it, because you know you'd be singing a lie. You don't believe you are loved, that you are beautiful, that you are a gift from God.

Oh, but Katie, you are. You so, so are. I'm tearing up just thinking of how completely, totally precious, loved, and needed, you, Katlyn Marie Therese Freddino were, are, and will be.

I wish I could tell you it all gets better. That everything gets so much easier and makes sense.

It doesn't.

But Katie, it's gets beautiful.

My life right now isn't easy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm surrounded by so much love, so many blessings, so much beauty. 

In a few years, you'll hear these lyrics. I know you'll appreciate them. (you're gonna cry)

You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You were made for so much more than all of this. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are HIS.

And during your freshman year of college, you'll hear these lyrics, and you'll cry, because they're the words you've never known how to say.

Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful? I wanna believe... I wanna believe, that I'm not just some wandering soul that can't be seen and can't be known. Yeah, I gotta believe, I gotta believe, that I am someone worth dying for.

And Katie... you are. You are worth dying for. How do I know? Because He already did it. He saw your beauty, and He died for you.

I know you won't believe this. You're too stubborn. But I wish you would.

Stay strong, beautiful. You'll make it.

Love,
You