More than I Can Handle.

You know that cliche saying that people say to you when you're struggling? "God never gives you more than you can handle".

I'm calling bullshit.

Right now, I'm way over my head with tough times. My home life is beyond rough and undergoing painfully devastating transitions and changes, my classes are insanely difficult and require time I don't have. I have work, as well as my responsibilities to the school newspaper, bible study, adoration, mass, as well as remembering to live out my vocation as a friend, daughter, and sister. I'm also preparing for graduation in May, and looking into applying to jobs, or maybe grad school, or mission work. Add to the mix that my very best friend is no longer at school with me to cry on, vent to, and grow with, and I'm a hot mess.

When I got news about what was going on at home, it was the beginning of midterm week. Papers were due, exams were creeping up, and I was behind in all my reading. If I'm not working or at extra-curricular activities, I'm locked in my room, isolated from the world. I was barely seeing my friends, and knew I was beginning to slip into a depression. This was the straw that broke the Katie's back.

God's given me more than I can handle. Way, way, more.

I'm going to be honest, I've been slipping on my prayer life. I have a lot of forgiving to do, and I don't know if I'll be able to do it, or if I want to do it. Faith is exhausting. Why go to daily mass when I can cover myself in blankets in bed and watch hours of Parks and Rec? Why pray the rosary when I can nap? Why go to bible study when I could do, well, anything else? Aiming to purity? Why would I aim for something when I can barely keep my head above water right now?

I try to put the brave face on, pretend that I'm perfectly fine and nothing's wrong, when the reality is that my life is falling apart. I don't eat on a regular schedule, instead I binge on a bag of candy my mom got me for Halloween, and root beer. Sometimes I'll make an expedition to the vending machine and get some chips, if I'm feeling up to being seen in my messiness.

On Thursday before break, I let my mask fall as I told my friend everything. I kept apologizing to her for ranting (and crying) and she just looked at me with such compassion and said, "Katie... we're friends. That's what friends are for. I care about you and want to be able to be there for you."

I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest as I realized I didn't have to pretend to be okay and fake smiles all the time. I could be broken with her, and she'd help me carry my cross.

This is all too much for me to handle, but I wasn't created to carry my cross in isolation. God is supporting my broken self as I try to make it through the world, fighting my battles for me, and putting people in my life who will love and support me not only through my triumphs, but through my despair and failures too.

In their song "No Man is An Island", the band Tenth Avenue North sings:

No man is an island, we can be found. No man is an island, let your guard down. You don't have to fight me, I am for you. We're not meant to walk this world alone. 

 I firmly believe that God frequently gives us more than we can handle, for the sole purpose of reminding us that we were meant to live in communion with Him and others.

I'm still struggling, but with time, forgiveness is seeming more and more possible. My heart is being opened and lightened with His mercy and grace.

Lord, in Your time, make me whole and new in You.

Have Courage and Be Kind

On Easter Sunday, my family and I went to see Cinderella. I'm a big fan of fairy tales, and Kenneth Branagh's directing (Much Ado About Nothing, anyone?), so I knew I'd love it, but what really struck me was how Ella dealt with the suffering and pain she experienced throughout her life.

I'm a big believer that we have a choice on how we react to bad things that happen to us: 1) we can become bitter and angry, and let our struggles become our identity or 2) allow our suffering to become something greater and allow a phoenix to rise from our ashes.

As her beloved mother lies on her death bed, she gives Ella some invaluable advice: Have courage and be kind. It's simple, basic advice, but it's the advice that keeps Ella going. After the death of both her parents, Ella could have turned to anger, to bitterness, but instead, she chose to be courageous and kind. As seen in the movie, it's not an easy path. She is treated as a slave by her cruel stepmother and sisters, but instead of retaliation or revenge, she continues to face her problems head on.

That's what makes her so beautiful. Think about it. The stepmother, played by the flawless Cate Blanchett, is beautiful, absolutely gorgeous... on the outside. But her cruelty towards Ella makes her despicable. When the audience gets a taste of Lady Tremaine's back story, things make a little more sense. She is twice widowed, and was deeply in love with her first husband. She, too, has suffered. She was always the second choice of her second husband, and lived in the shadow of his first wife and beloved daughter. She is not cruel for cruelness' sake, but because she has been hurt.

But so has Ella. And she rises above it. In fact, at the end of the movie, she is able to face her tormentor and tell her: I forgive you. It couldn't have been easy for Ella to say that, but she chose to. She looked at her stepmother and saw her humanity. This is what we are called to. Our struggles should not break us down and cripple us, rather they should lift us to be Christlike, to love.

In the credits, a beautiful song, Strong sung by Sonna Rele, played, and the lyrics really stuck out to me. I think they summed up Ella's character, and who we are all called to be;

Let your smile light up the sky, keep your spirit soaring high 

Trust in your heart and your sun shines forever and ever. Hold fast to kindness, your light shines forever and ever. I believe in you and me. We are strong 

A bird all alone on the wind can still be strong and sing

May we act with courage and kindness, not allowing our struggles to define us, but our dignity. We are strong.

"I can do all things in Him who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13