Good Friday in Our Lives

Think about your worst moments. The worst moments of your life. Rock bottom. Despair. Hopelessness. Whatever you want to call it. Think of the moment that life seemed unbearable and you didn't think you would make it.

I don't know what this time is for you, but I think mine was one night (just around a year ago), as I stood at the top of a flight of stairs and contemplated taking my own life. I thought about how easy it would be to simply throw myself down the stairs and end everything. It didn't cross my mind that this might not even kill me. All I cared about was that it could.

This was my Good Friday. When I looked at life and wondered what could possibly matter. If anything could actually have a purpose. If life was actually worth it. If you had asked me then, I would have said that it wasn't. It felt like I was drowning in a dark ocean with no bottom in sight. As much as I looked for light, I couldn't find it. It seemed hopeless.

But it wasn't. Eventually, the sun started to shine. Hidden at by the obstacles in my life, but still there. Slowly, the sun became more and more prominent.

We're each going to face a "Good Friday" in our life. Maybe multiple. The time when we can't find God anywhere and He is gone from our lives.

But He will not leave us wanting. He is never gone. If we experience a Good Friday, surely, we will experience an Easter Sunday, too.

Guest Post - A Letter to My Future Therapist

To my future therapist,

Hello. To answer the question I know you will inevitably ask, I honestly have no idea how you can help me.

I do not that I need help and I'm hopeful that you can be a part of that. I know that I need healing and I need to know what is within me. I know a diagnosis won't fix everything, if anything, but all that I know isn't helpful if I am trying to face the unknown. I have seen its outline, and I have felt its presence for so long that it seems like forever, but I don't know what it is. I know I can't control what happens in my head or heart or whatever body part houses the darkest parts of our being, but I can shine light on it.

Right now, I am hiding from it just as much as it may be hiding within me. I know with time, I can work to understand it and live with it. It is a part of me, and no matter how much I may dislike myself at times, I love myself more. But right now, I don't know where to start.

I would start from the beginning, but by now, everything seems to be smeared together. There have been moments in my life that stand out, but I don't know what came first anymore. I can't tell you whether the events happened and then I started feeling the way I do, or vice versa. How do I feel? Well, that is another complicated question. The best, and most honest, answer I can give you is, I don't know. I have been too afraid to address that question with an open heart and mind. Being honest is scary. Being honest with something like this, that is terrifying.

This isn't my first counseling session ever; however, it is the first I feel strong enough (well, determined enough) to be as honest as I can about everything. I have lied to myself and others for so long that I almost started believing the lies. I lie(d) because I thought it would be easier to lie than face the truth. That in itself was a lie. Although, my theory may have been true in the moment, I now know it only hurts as it continues on.

I don't want to be ashamed of myself or my past anymore. I refuse to allow darkness to be my identity, but it is a part of me, and I am now choosing to address it and be my true self again. I have no idea if I am truly "ready" to face all of this, but I'm going to anyway because I doubt I'll ever be fully ready for such a thing.

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Stephanie Townsend is a 22 year old who has traveled a path of her own, which eventually lead her to God. She received the sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, and First Communion in April 2015. Stephanie believes wholeheartedly in God's mercy and love, and strives every day to show others the beauty God places in the lives of all. Life has proven to be a day to day struggle for her; however, focusing on the beauty all around and maintaing hope even when it seems gone is how she is able to continue the path God has created for her.

"No matter the difficulties in life, God will always be there to carry you, love you, and show you just how priceless you are."

Give Me Your Eyes.

A while ago, this video was circulating on Facebook:

I watched it, and I sobbed, because frankly, it's really stinkin' beautiful.

But the more I thought about it, the more beautiful it became.

How often are we blind to our own goodness and positive qualities? How common is it for us to focus on the mistakes we made, and become unable to see anything else besides the bad? What about your loved ones? Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they're not there: they are.

As I watched this video, I couldn't help but think that we are all called to be like Mr. Ramsay is in this video: to love, to encourage, to give hope, to affirm.

Even people it's really, really, reeeeeeeeaaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyy hard to be kind to them.

There are several people in my life who I have the most difficult time being kind to. Everything always just seems to rub me the wrong way, and I'm short and impatient with them.

But... God calls me to love them. Because even though they are annoying as all heck, they are still beloved, irreplaceable children of God.

Lord, give me your eyes. Help me to be able to love like you love, with my entire heart, and by seeing goodness.

Dear Twenty-Fifteen

Dear 2015,

Well, you almost did it. You almost broke me. You threw everything you had at me: my cat's death, a year-long depression, an overnight evaluation in a psych ward, my parents' separation... and the eventual culmination of depression, stress, and anxiety, that I had to leave school.

I didn't think I would make it. I really, really didn't. For almost all of October, I woke up, disbelieving that I could go even one more day.

You gave me way more than I could handle. And honestly, I kind of hate you for that.

But somehow, I made it through.

I'm still broken and mourning the loss of my parents' marriage and childhood home. I'm still feeling like I was run over by a truck. I still feel tired, exhausted, and sometimes hopeless.

But I did it. I'm alive.

And it's because of you, 2015, that once again, I am hopeful.

I am hopeful for this year, that I will be able to go back to finish my final semester. That I will find peace. That I will be able to find joy in my current (and to be frank, crappy) circumstances. That I will continue incredible friendships and create new ones. That I will be one step closer to the Katie I was born to me.

So, here's to you 2015. In one way... don't let the door hit you on the way out, in another... thank you for reminding me that for the past twenty two years, I have survived.

Love,
Katie