A few days ago, I posted a 'college wrap up' of my first three years of college. Today, I'm posting a senior year wrap up. I hope you enjoy looking at my year as much as I loved living it!
Senior walk on the first day of classes with Megan and Rosalyn.
Allie and I interviewing X Ambassadors before their concert.
Fireworks over the seminary after the X Ambassadors concert.
Outdoor senior piano bar with Gina and Rosalyn
Gianna and I in Philly to see Pope Francis!
Rosalyn and I on the Friday of Halloweekend as Boo and a Cannibal
Allie and I (as Damian from Mean Girls) on Halloween
Jessie, Gina, and I before the Homecoming Dance!
Steph sent me tulips for Valentine's Day!
I was an extra in a random Bollywood movie that filmed on campus.
Rosalyn, Molly, and I saw Something Rotten on Broadway
Steph came to visit!!!!
after a beautiful day volunteering!
I won Mount Moment!
Tea and I at Senior Fun Day
Emily, Molly, and I at Senior Fun Day
Gina and I before Senior Piano Bar
Class Clash!
Glowrage with Gina and Jessie!
Last Bible study
Senior Send Off with Rosalyn - matching!
Gaby and I on the last day of classes.
Andrea and I at the FOCUS end of the year Hoedown.
As an English major at a Liberal Arts college, I've had the awesome opportunity of reading countless books as a part of my education. Some of them have been transformative in my life. Here are a few.
The Crooked Line by Ismat Chughtai
I read this book in my "Stories of Islam" class. This class was probably one of the most important classes I took during my time at the Mount, and this book was incredible. The class opened my eyes to the actual beliefs and teachings of Islam, and this book was a beautiful coming of age story about a young Muslim girl in India. It's a beautiful story, and it was amazing to read about a character so different from myself.
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
This book. This freaking book. I don't know if I've ever wept while reading a book the way I did while reading this masterpiece. I read this for my "Forgiveness and Mercy" philosophy class, and wow, did it teach me a lot about love and self-forgiveness. It tells the beautiful story of two Afghani boys and their friendship and the changes their relationship undergoes throughout their lives. This book will rip your heart out and warm it at the same time. If you haven't read it, take the time to read it. You won't regret reading this spectacular tale.
Where Justice and Mercy Meet edited by David Matzko McCarthy, Trudy Conway, & Vicki Schieber
This is an awesome little book three of my role models here at the Mount helped compile and edit. Dr. Conway was actually my professor for "Forgiveness and Mercy" and also for the class I read this book for "Perspectives of the Death Penalty". Vicki Schieber is a friend of Dr. Conway's and helped out with both classes. Her daughter was raped and murdered, and she and her husband fought against the death sentence as a punishment for their daughter's murderer.
This book looks at different perspectives behind opposition of the Death Penalty, especially for the Catholic Church. It looks at Catholic Social Teaching, Old and New Testament tradition, economic facts, the Catechism, sociological factors, and more. It's really cool to see so many different people with different backgrounds and areas of expertise explaining their reasons for being against the death penalty. Although I've always been against the death penalty, long before reading this book, the stories and essays in it helped solidify my belief and strengthen my opposition.
Death Work by Robert Johnson
This book is a grim read, but a necessary one. Like Where Justice and Mercy Meet, the book in itself is an argument against the modern use of the death penalty. It goes into the actual practices behind the death penalty in America, from Death Row, to how the inmate is treated up until their execution, to the drugs used and how they work to end the inmate's life. I would argue that this book should be required reading for anyone for or against the death penalty, as if you argue for or against something, you should know how it's actually working and what's actually going on behind closed doors.
Silence by Shusaku Endo
I actually read this book twice, once for my Christology class, and again this semester for "The Catholic Novel". The first time I read it, I really didn't like it. I thought it was boring and slow. But when I read it the second time, I was captivated. Silence tells the story of missionary Jesuits who go to Japan, and about the suffering they undergo. The title is a reference to the feelings that the character has that God is silent during their suffering. Anyone who has ever doubted their faith and suffered should read this book. It's beautiful.
The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare
This is another one I've read multiple times. I first read it when I was homeschooled, and then again in Forgiveness and Mercy, and a third time in Introduction to Literary Study II. It's such an awesome play. It shows equality and justice far beyond its time in a way that is still extremely relevant today.
A Good Man is Hard to Find by Flannery O'Connor
Everyone told me I would love Flannery O'Connor, as she was a Catholic writer who wrote with strong conviction, but I never got around to reading any of her material until the end of my junior year in an English class called "Faith, Literature, and Secularization". This short story is one of her most famous, and one of my favorites. It takes a critical look at the idea of goodness, and the deepest corners of the human soul. It's a quick read and so, so great.
The Plague by Albert Camus
I read this in Modernity in Literature, a class that is part of the Mount's Veritas core program. While I didn't actually love the book, it is quite gripping and had a message that has stayed with me since I read it a year ago. It is about the resilience of the human spirit in the face of indescribable horror and suffering, but also the stubbornness of we humans.
A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare
I actually have been in this play two times, so I know the story well. But reading it for my Shakespeare class last year changed the way I looked at it. Not only is it a fun, whimsical tale about fairies and love, but it looks at friendship, and the importance of looking and loving people beyond appearances and status.
Stay tuned for part two of Books that Stuck With Me Throught My Four Years of College!
Today marks the beginning of the last week of classes at the Mount, which means...
Finals begin next week.
And everyone knows, finals = stress. Add to this impending week the papers and reading I still have to do this week, and I'm one stressed lady.
But, I also only have thirteen days until graduation. Thirteen days living on campus with my best friends. Thirteen days of laughter and joy and nostalgia. These last two weeks should be spent enjoying my time, not locked in a library stressing out.
That's not to say I'm going to neglect studying or my responsibilities, but I'm trying to remember that in the long run, I'm probably not going to remember my GPA from my undergrad. What I will remember are spontaneous cafe dates with my friends, and going into the chapel to pray. Staying up late drinking wine and watching Netflix. Going up to the grotto.
So what if I don't do as amazing as I hoped on my Business final or get an A- on my final paper for Ethics? In a month, they're not going to matter. At all. What's going to matter is the time I spent doing things with the people I love before we go our separate ways. These are the things that will lead me to heaven, that I will remember for my entire life.
Is the stress you're experiencing going to matter when you're in heaven? Mine won't matter in less than two weeks (still can't believe it.) Try not to stress, and do things that bring you joy.
On April 28th, I was checking TimeHop when I saw a status that I had shared for the past three years. A status that meant more than it had the previous years.
"so it's official. i will be attending Mount Saint Mary's University in the fall :)"
Reading this, I felt a twinge of sorrow I've been experiencing for a while. The sorrow that I only have two more weeks left at The Mount. But it's a strange sorrow. It's a joyful sorrow. A sorrow I am glad to feel, because I know it means I made the most of my four years here.
Oh, what a ride it's been. For my first two years, I was unhappy. I felt like I didn't belong. But, every time I looked into transferring schools, there was something within me that kept me from actually doing anything. Something telling me I was supposed to be at the Mount. It wasn't until the fall semester of my junior year that things started to click. My heart was healed and my eyes were opened to the beauty and love that was all around me.
As you know, I had to go on medical leave last semester, and when I came back in January, it was to an angry campus, dealing with scandal regarding our new president. It was like a house divided, and it was painful to be on campus. Part of me wished I had just stayed away.
Despite all of the downs of my college experience, I don't regret a thing, and if I could, I would choose the Mount again.
I learned to trust God.
Attending the Mount in itself was a leap of faith. It was not my first choice (it was actually my fourth!), and I was nervous. Everything fell into place that it was clear that the Mount was what was going to work out, and so I trusted. I had to. My plans for college already hadn't worked out.
Through each difficult moment I've been here, I've learned to rely on God instead of myself. I can only do so much, but He can do it all.
I learned that I am loved (and I am worthy of that love!!)
The friendships I've made here are truly one in a million. I have met the most incredible human beings who I am blessed to love, and be loved by. My friends here have shown me that I am loved by so many people, and most importantly of God. By standing beside me at my grossest (i.e. during panic attacks), my friends have proved to me that their love and friendship is going to last.
Through my friends' love and kindness, I have been able to see a tiny, itty bitty percentage of God's love and kindness. This is a priceless gift I am forever grateful for.
I learned that nothing lasts forever.
Each pain I've felt has ended. Maybe it took a long time, but I eventually was able to overcome the obstacles I faced during the past four years.
As I prepare to graduate, I am reminded that the good times, the lovely and beautiful we experience here on earth, don't last either. This is because God is preparing us for the good that will never end. Because of this, I've learned to take it all in and enjoy it while it's there.
I learned that I am never alone, nor will I ever be.
The beautiful people who have stood beside me for the past four years have reminded me that no matter what, I will never be alone. I have so many people who care about me, and have loved me in ways I never thought I would experience. Their faithfulness and loyalty has proven that God will never forsake me, no matter where I am, or what I do. I just need to reach out.
It feels weird to be writing a letter to a thing... but I have some things to say to you.
First, you suck. You really, really suck. You warp the minds of those who succumb to your addictive self into thinking that humanity, real humanity off the screen, isn't good enough, because you have created these stupid, unrealistic standards for humans to meet.
You ruin lives and relationships, and yet you still remain proud and defended by many.
Even people who see the damage you do in their own lives and communities still turn to you and your lies. Because you are good at lying. You are good at making people feel good about themselves, yet not good enough all at once.
And I hate you for it.
I hate for what you've done to the people I love. I hate that you break people down and make them into shells. You make people forget their children. I hate that I can't look at certain people in my life because I know that they flirt with you and put you above all other actual relationships.
I hate knowing you've affected other people that I love and I don't even know it. You're tricky. You tell this little tale that you are both acceptable and shameful. And so no one will reach out, oh no, no one will admit they struggle with you.
I hate what you've done to society. Women are now held up to porn-star standards in sex, looks, beauty, whatever. The women on screen are preferable to real, actual, breathing women.
I hate what you've done to the human body. No longer is the human body a good in and of itself, it is the end to a means: pleasure. You have warped the human body from a beautiful gift, a temple of all things good, to something that should simply bring pleasure to others.
I hate what you've done to me. I hate how I feel like I'm tethered to you. I hate how I relapse and go back to your lies and then think that this is how my life will be forever. I hate how I hate myself because I have turned into the person I've never dreamed of being. I hate knowing that you will forever have an impact on any intimate relationship I may have. I hate knowing that maybe I'll never actually get over you and that our relationship will hurt the people I love.
But the one thing I don't hate is knowing that people are starting to recognize how harmful you are. It's amazing to see people speak up against the toxic form of intimacy you market. And I know that this opposition is just the beginning. You will not win. Love always wins, over hate, over indifference, and over lust.
As you may know, I am currently taking a medical leave of absence from school. I came home a few days after Halloween after realizing that I was in a bad place and in need of more help than I could get while being a full time student.
It wasn't an easy realization.
Actually, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to admit myself: that I couldn't hold on any longer.
I had to let go.
I had to let go of my pride that said I was too good to admit this weakness. I had to let go of my expectations for myself. I had to let go of my fears about what my family and friends would say.
Stop holding on and just be held.
It took me a long time to realize that letting go and taking a break from school was not weak. It was not cowardly. It was not taking the easy way out.
It was taking a leap of faith. When I let go... I was putting the next few months completely into God's hands. I was going home to an uncomfortable situation, leaving all my friends, and entering into intensive treatment. And I had to trust that God wanted me to be back in Connecticut at this specific part of my life.
And so I packed up my dorm and went back to Connecticut. I started in an Intensive Outpatient Therapy program at Yale Hospital, where I went four days a week for over three hours a day. I made medication changes.
And for the first time in a year, I feel like Katie again.
I'm still a work in progress, and to be honest, my faith has taken the back burner to my mental health treatment right now.
But that's okay. God has never left my side. Right now I'm not able to give Him the worship He is due. My worship and prayer and faith is imperfect. But it is made perfect in Him.
Friends, I still wonder what life would have been like if I stayed at the Mount this semester. If I had just held on a little bit longer.
The what ifs don't matter. It's the what IS that matters.
If there's something you're holding onto that you know you need to let go of, let it go. God will never forsake you.
The song I've really been praying with since coming home is Create in Me by Rend Collective. I first heard it at a retreat I was volunteering at, and when I heard the following lyrics, I sobbed with joy, with gratitude, because God has so much more in store for me.
Create in me a miracle,something real and something beautiful.
You're not finished with me yet.
By your power I can change, I can change.
You're not finished with me yet.
God makes all things new. He takes the gross and yucky and transforms them into the most beautiful things.
Well, you almost did it. You almost broke me. You threw everything you had at me: my cat's death, a year-long depression, an overnight evaluation in a psych ward, my parents' separation... and the eventual culmination of depression, stress, and anxiety, that I had to leave school.
I didn't think I would make it. I really, really didn't. For almost all of October, I woke up, disbelieving that I could go even one more day.
You gave me way more than I could handle. And honestly, I kind of hate you for that.
But somehow, I made it through.
I'm still broken and mourning the loss of my parents' marriage and childhood home. I'm still feeling like I was run over by a truck. I still feel tired, exhausted, and sometimes hopeless.
But I did it. I'm alive.
And it's because of you, 2015, that once again, I am hopeful.
I am hopeful for this year, that I will be able to go back to finish my final semester. That I will find peace. That I will be able to find joy in my current (and to be frank, crappy) circumstances. That I will continue incredible friendships and create new ones. That I will be one step closer to the Katie I was born to me.
So, here's to you 2015. In one way... don't let the door hit you on the way out, in another... thank you for reminding me that for the past twenty two years, I have survived.
Today was Pope John Paul II's second feast day as an official saint of the Church. *throws confetti* And we all know how great I am at writing blog posts at the last minute of a favorite saint's feast day (shout out to Mary Magdalene), so here we go.
My sister, best friend and I at St. John Paul's
National Shrine in Washington, DC.
What is so spectacular about JP2 for me is the fact that I actually remember him. I was alive while he was. Sadly, the biggest memory that sticks out to me was the day the day before he died.
My homeschool group was at daily mass, and after mass had ended, the associate priest came running into the sanctuary holding a big picture frame and an easel. He set up this picture, which was of the Holy Father, and announced to the confused congregation that Pope John Paul had lost consciousness and was in the last days of his life. I was around twelve at this time, but I remember being shocked, and immediately kneeling to pray.
As a child, I knew what a special man he was and what a loss the world would experience with his passing.
I wish I knew the moment that I fell in love with this amazing man and his mission, but it was in the last few years. I think it had to do with this video:
It's a silly and fun video, but it was my first introduction to his beautiful words of self-worth, love, and redemption. I eventually heard this quote, which changed my life:
We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his son.
Wow. Just... wow. How often do I need this reminder? Spoiler alert: Every single moment for my entire life.
Praying in front of a relic of Saint John Paul's
at the National Shrine of the Immaculate
Conception in Washtington, DC.
No matter what mistakes we make, no matter what wrong paths we take, God's love for is is greater than us at our very very worst.
The Power of the cross is stronger than the power of our brokenness.
I literally need this reminder so frequently that it's my email signature. True story.
Another quote that changes me, whenever I read it, is:
“Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.”
Again: wow. This man knew the human heart. I swear, these two quotes were said with me in mind. At the literal worst moment in human history, the mindless killing of the Messiah, it seemed like the end. But despite it all, Christ still rose. He defied human expectations and returned.
After the darkest night, the sun rose.
And so it is with our own lives. After our worst, darkest days, the sun of joy and hope will rise. Christ is with us.
St. John Paul II, thank you for reminding us that our darkness does not define us. That God loves us and sees us beyond our brokenness and shortcomings, that we are called to bask in the sunlight.
Friends, no matter where you are in life, know that you'll be okay. You've made it through every worst day you've already experienced. Go you! Sunrise is coming for you, nothing lasts forever, I'm glad you're here, and please, continue to fight the good fight.
