An Open Letter to Porn.

Dear Porn,

It feels weird to be writing a letter to a thing... but I have some things to say to you.

First, you suck. You really, really suck. You warp the minds of those who succumb to your addictive self into thinking that humanity, real humanity off the screen, isn't good enough, because you have created these stupid, unrealistic standards for humans to meet.

You ruin lives and relationships, and yet you still remain proud and defended by many.

Even people who see the damage you do in their own lives and communities still turn to you and your lies. Because you are good at lying. You are good at making people feel good about themselves, yet not good enough all at once.

And I hate you for it.

I hate for what you've done to the people I love. I hate that you break people down and make them into shells. You make people forget their children. I hate that I can't look at certain people in my life because I know that they flirt with you and put you above all other actual relationships.

I hate knowing you've affected other people that I love and I don't even know it. You're tricky. You tell this little tale that you are both acceptable and shameful. And so no one will reach out, oh no, no one will admit they struggle with you.

I hate what you've done to society. Women are now held up to porn-star standards in sex, looks, beauty, whatever. The women on screen are preferable to real, actual, breathing women.

I hate what you've done to the human body. No longer is the human body a good in and of itself, it is the end to a means: pleasure. You have warped the human body from a beautiful gift, a temple of all things good, to something that should simply bring pleasure to others.

I hate what you've done to me. I hate how I feel like I'm tethered to you. I hate how I relapse and go back to your lies and then think that this is how my life will be forever. I hate how I hate myself because I have turned into the person I've never dreamed of being. I hate knowing that you will forever have an impact on any intimate relationship I may have. I hate knowing that maybe I'll never actually get over you and that our relationship will hurt the people I love.

But the one thing I don't hate is knowing that people are starting to recognize how harmful you are. It's amazing to see people speak up against the toxic form of intimacy you market. And I know that this opposition is just the beginning. You will not win. Love always wins, over hate, over indifference, and over lust.

Eff you.

Katie

Dear Me

Dear Me,

My 13th birthday party.

Hello from the future! Sadly, there are no flying cars, and no, you're not married to Orlando Bloom. I'm sorry, I did what I could. Also, you didn't win American Idol season 10 (why did you think that would be a thing?!?!)

I know that you're dreaming of the future and everything that you know it's going to be from all the books you've read. By the time you're twenty, you'll be engaged (at least), be GORGEOUS, be an A+ student in college with a job lined up for right after graduation, with the perfect, perfect life. Is that what you're imaging?

Well, stop.

I'm all for you exercising your imagination, but here's the deal: you are who you are. There's not a whole lot you can do to change that. The reason you dream of growing four inches and losing a hundred pounds isn't because of what people like Gretchen think. It's because of what you think.

Society's a liar, Katie. You don't have to be perfectly athletic and tall and blonde to be great. You don't have to be an A+ student and amazing at everything. Greatness is just being yourself.

I know you hate yourself. Don't try to deny it, lady. The scars on your arms prove it. But, there's nothing to hate! Katie, you love so much and so deeply. You care about your friends and family with your entire heart, and because of that, you have made some real, lasting relationships, and will continue to feed these relationships as well as create new ones. You have a smile that can light up an entire room, even if you claim it can't be because of your teeth (they're fine. I promise.)

Sometimes people take advantage of you and hurt you. But it's not your fault. I can't explain it, so I guess I'll just say it; sometimes, people are real assholes. You let them in and they rip your heart out and leave you broken. And you wonder what the point even is. Life. Love. Hope.

You've come so far already, and Katie, wait until you see how far you go at twenty one! You still fall, but I know something, something I wish with all my heart you knew: God loves you so freaking much. 

Not that corny "Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so" love, the love that moves mountains, creates seas, calms storms, brings the dead to life.

Real, heart stopping, death defying love. 

You can sing all the youth group songs you want. But I know your deep dark secret: when the second verse of "You are Loved" comes along, you can't sing it. You know what I'm talking about. The verse that goes like this:

"I am loved. I am beautiful. I am gift of God, His own creation. I am gift to all mankind, His gift of love to them. I am loved, God danced the day I was born".  

You can't sing it, because you know you'd be singing a lie. You don't believe you are loved, that you are beautiful, that you are a gift from God.

Oh, but Katie, you are. You so, so are. I'm tearing up just thinking of how completely, totally precious, loved, and needed, you, Katlyn Marie Therese Freddino were, are, and will be.

I wish I could tell you it all gets better. That everything gets so much easier and makes sense.

It doesn't.

But Katie, it's gets beautiful.

My life right now isn't easy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm surrounded by so much love, so many blessings, so much beauty. 

In a few years, you'll hear these lyrics. I know you'll appreciate them. (you're gonna cry)

You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You were made for so much more than all of this. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are HIS.

And during your freshman year of college, you'll hear these lyrics, and you'll cry, because they're the words you've never known how to say.

Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful? I wanna believe... I wanna believe, that I'm not just some wandering soul that can't be seen and can't be known. Yeah, I gotta believe, I gotta believe, that I am someone worth dying for.

And Katie... you are. You are worth dying for. How do I know? Because He already did it. He saw your beauty, and He died for you.

I know you won't believe this. You're too stubborn. But I wish you would.

Stay strong, beautiful. You'll make it.

Love,
You

An Open Letter to the Girl Who Looks at Porn

To the girl who looks at porn:

Hi. My name is Katie, and there's a great possibility that you don't know me, and never will. But if you'll allow me, I'd like to talk to you as a friend, as a sister, even. You see, we're quite alike, you and me. We both dream of being loved, unconditionally and without restriction. We search for that love. And we fall. We get back up, and we fall again. We feel hopeless and inadequate and lose faith. And sometimes we feel disgusting. Worst of all, we feel alone.

Here's the thing: we're not alone. For the past ten years I've struggled with pornography and masturbation and using them as coping skills for loneliness, boredom, depression, anger, etc. Every time I'd stumble, I'd look in the mirror with complete disgust at my reflection. What was wrong with me?

My self-hatred and disgust with myself wasn't helped when I realized I needed help. Google informed me that my struggles were actually a man's problem. Apparently, women just didn't struggle with this.

Google lied to me that day. Women DO struggle with pornography, and in fact, approximately eighteen percent of all women look at pornography daily. But we struggle in silence. I think Audrey Assad said it best. Women who struggle with pornography and masturbation are in single cells in a huge state prison: we think we're the only ones in the prison. Why is this? Because society teaches that 1) Pornography is a normal thing that guys do and it's just the fact of life and 2) Pornography is a normal thing that guys do. This makes us think that here's something wrong and we should be ashamed of our struggle with porn and/or masturbation.

When Jesus was crucified, it lead up to the most incredible, unbelievable moment of history: the resurrection. His darkest moments lead to the world's brightest. He conquered sin and death, so that it could have no power over us.

We are called to be children of the light.

I'm not going to lie to you: I still struggle with looking at porn and masturbation. And I still feel ashamed. I'll look at myself and feel like I have no right to God's love. That I am too far gone for His love, if He had known the choices I would make in my life, He wouldn't have died for me.

But here's the thing: God knows from the inside out. Psalm 139 says: You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb. He knit our entire selves, our whole selves. Each hair, each fingernail, each struggle, thought, hope, dream, fear. He knit them together and made a miracle that is uniquely you.

Each thread, each stitch is a part of God's divine plan. And He looks with you with such love, because you are His.

Remember that your struggles do not, have not, and will never define you. You are so much more. There is hope. You are not alone.

Love,
Katie

PS

Here are some resources for you to check out:

Beggar's Daughter - A Christian ministry specifically for women who struggle with porn/masturbation.
The Porn Effect - a Catholic ministry for both men and women struggling with porn and/or masturbation (my personal favorite)
Fight the New Drug - a secular resource

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0