Sometimes I Fall Down.

I've been quite honest about my struggle with pornography and masturbation, but I've never been quite honest about my struggle. I've always alluded to the problem, but never really elaborated.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go into the graphic details. But I'm going to say something that I really don't want to admit.

Guys, this struggle is really hard, and sometimes I think there's no hope for me to stop. Just when I think I'm on the right track, I fall. Or I fall, and fall, and fall, and fall and wonder if there's such thing as "the right track".

It sucks. Lately I've been doing better, or at least trying to be nicer and more forgiving to myself.

I've gone a week without sinning, but recently gave into temptation once again. As soon as it launched, I downloaded the Victory app, which helps you keep track of your struggle as you fight the battle. Friends, it's amazing. It allows you to do three daily check-ins, and examines triggers. There's also a little book written by Matt Fradd and Jason Evert you can get. I've been trying to keep track daily,

My sister has been amazing. I recently came clean about my struggles, and she has been so supportive in helping me fight temptation. We talked about my triggers, and she's actually been taking my phone at night so I don't have it in bed. It's rough not having an alarm, but I'm planning on getting this one tomorrow. Going old school. I'm hoping that this habit will be something I'll be able to continue with one of my suitemates once I get back to school.

Before going to sleep, I try to do some reading. I made it a goal of mine to read the entirety of the Catechism, so I've been reading a few paragraphs of it each night. In addition, I'm reading Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell and Meet Your Mother by Mark Miravalle (my sister's favorite professor).

Finally, when I get in bed, I begin to pray the rosary. Sometimes I fall asleep while praying, but on the nights I pray this incredible prayer, I rarely sin, if ever.

If you're struggling, I recommend reading Matt Fradd's incredible book, Delivered as well as downloading the Victory app (link above).

Please pray for me, and know of my prayers for you. Friends, we were made for so much more than this. But, know that our struggles only make us stronger, and that we are fighting the good fight.

May you be made strong with all the strength that comes from his glorious power, and may you  be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the light. - Colossians 1:11-12

Keep going.

An Open Letter to the Girl Who Looks at Porn

To the girl who looks at porn:

Hi. My name is Katie, and there's a great possibility that you don't know me, and never will. But if you'll allow me, I'd like to talk to you as a friend, as a sister, even. You see, we're quite alike, you and me. We both dream of being loved, unconditionally and without restriction. We search for that love. And we fall. We get back up, and we fall again. We feel hopeless and inadequate and lose faith. And sometimes we feel disgusting. Worst of all, we feel alone.

Here's the thing: we're not alone. For the past ten years I've struggled with pornography and masturbation and using them as coping skills for loneliness, boredom, depression, anger, etc. Every time I'd stumble, I'd look in the mirror with complete disgust at my reflection. What was wrong with me?

My self-hatred and disgust with myself wasn't helped when I realized I needed help. Google informed me that my struggles were actually a man's problem. Apparently, women just didn't struggle with this.

Google lied to me that day. Women DO struggle with pornography, and in fact, approximately eighteen percent of all women look at pornography daily. But we struggle in silence. I think Audrey Assad said it best. Women who struggle with pornography and masturbation are in single cells in a huge state prison: we think we're the only ones in the prison. Why is this? Because society teaches that 1) Pornography is a normal thing that guys do and it's just the fact of life and 2) Pornography is a normal thing that guys do. This makes us think that here's something wrong and we should be ashamed of our struggle with porn and/or masturbation.

When Jesus was crucified, it lead up to the most incredible, unbelievable moment of history: the resurrection. His darkest moments lead to the world's brightest. He conquered sin and death, so that it could have no power over us.

We are called to be children of the light.

I'm not going to lie to you: I still struggle with looking at porn and masturbation. And I still feel ashamed. I'll look at myself and feel like I have no right to God's love. That I am too far gone for His love, if He had known the choices I would make in my life, He wouldn't have died for me.

But here's the thing: God knows from the inside out. Psalm 139 says: You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb. He knit our entire selves, our whole selves. Each hair, each fingernail, each struggle, thought, hope, dream, fear. He knit them together and made a miracle that is uniquely you.

Each thread, each stitch is a part of God's divine plan. And He looks with you with such love, because you are His.

Remember that your struggles do not, have not, and will never define you. You are so much more. There is hope. You are not alone.

Love,
Katie

PS

Here are some resources for you to check out:

Beggar's Daughter - A Christian ministry specifically for women who struggle with porn/masturbation.
The Porn Effect - a Catholic ministry for both men and women struggling with porn and/or masturbation (my personal favorite)
Fight the New Drug - a secular resource

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0