The Sorrow in Joy.

Joy. This word has been on my heart since I went on medical leave from school almost three months ago. What is joy? What makes it different from happiness? How do you get it?

These questions have all been partially answered in different ways, but in a big way through praying the Joyful Mysteries of the rosaries. While praying, I've noticed something: as joyful as these mysteries are, there's also sorrow in them, especially the fourth and fifth mysteries.

Joy is accompanied by sorrow.

My sister told me that she liked to pray about how Mary felt after Jesus went missing in the Temple. Ya'll... she literally lost God. She didn't know where He was.

She felt the same way we feel when we feel like God isn't there.

And she searched, and she searched, and she worried, and joy prevailed.

Years before, when she and Joseph presented the baby Jesus at the Temple, Simeon told her that her heart would be pierced by a sword. Mary must have felt so frightened, so troubled by this news. But yet, this event in Jesus' life is not seen as sorrowful, rather as joyful.

In our own lives, there are times when life is just so freaking unfair. Everything seems to be going wrong. We could be the young girl who is given news that could have her killed and shunned from society, or the girl who can't find a place to rest and give birth, and so she delivers her son among animals. These are troubling things. But Mary is an example to us: she chose the joy in these events rather than the sorrowful and troubling.

Will you choose the joyful? It has to be a conscious decision. There will be times when we're going to have to search high and low for it.

But it's there.

We just have to stop staring at the shadows and look to the sun behind them.

Prayer to Our Lady of Combermere

Sometimes I Fall Down.

I've been quite honest about my struggle with pornography and masturbation, but I've never been quite honest about my struggle. I've always alluded to the problem, but never really elaborated.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go into the graphic details. But I'm going to say something that I really don't want to admit.

Guys, this struggle is really hard, and sometimes I think there's no hope for me to stop. Just when I think I'm on the right track, I fall. Or I fall, and fall, and fall, and fall and wonder if there's such thing as "the right track".

It sucks. Lately I've been doing better, or at least trying to be nicer and more forgiving to myself.

I've gone a week without sinning, but recently gave into temptation once again. As soon as it launched, I downloaded the Victory app, which helps you keep track of your struggle as you fight the battle. Friends, it's amazing. It allows you to do three daily check-ins, and examines triggers. There's also a little book written by Matt Fradd and Jason Evert you can get. I've been trying to keep track daily,

My sister has been amazing. I recently came clean about my struggles, and she has been so supportive in helping me fight temptation. We talked about my triggers, and she's actually been taking my phone at night so I don't have it in bed. It's rough not having an alarm, but I'm planning on getting this one tomorrow. Going old school. I'm hoping that this habit will be something I'll be able to continue with one of my suitemates once I get back to school.

Before going to sleep, I try to do some reading. I made it a goal of mine to read the entirety of the Catechism, so I've been reading a few paragraphs of it each night. In addition, I'm reading Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell and Meet Your Mother by Mark Miravalle (my sister's favorite professor).

Finally, when I get in bed, I begin to pray the rosary. Sometimes I fall asleep while praying, but on the nights I pray this incredible prayer, I rarely sin, if ever.

If you're struggling, I recommend reading Matt Fradd's incredible book, Delivered as well as downloading the Victory app (link above).

Please pray for me, and know of my prayers for you. Friends, we were made for so much more than this. But, know that our struggles only make us stronger, and that we are fighting the good fight.

May you be made strong with all the strength that comes from his glorious power, and may you  be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the light. - Colossians 1:11-12

Keep going.

A Daughter's Gift

When I was little, I would always pick the dandelions that grew in our yard and give them to my mom. She would always light up, and gush about how beautiful they were, putting them into a vase and on display. To her, they weren't weeds, rather they were a beautiful gift from her baby girl.

The other day, I started the 54 day Rosary Novena. This is my second attempt at it, and I'm already beginning to see the blessings Mama is bestowing upon me. The guide likens Hail Mary as a beautiful rose, and the entire Rosary as a beautiful bouquet of roses fastened together with the Prayer of Spiritual Communion for Mama to put upon her brow.

Here's the thing: I don't think my Hail Marys are roses. I get distracted, and often indulge the distractions. Sometimes I don't want to pray, and if I say the Rosary, it's because I'm forcing myself to. Sadly, my prayer is rarely done out of pure love for our Mama.

When I'm done with my prayer, I often don't feel like I have a beautiful wreath of roses, rather a pile of weeds.

But our mother loves us. And when we give her our dandelions, she accepts them with love and gratitude. She loves that we try.

My confirmation saint, St. Therese of Lisieux, said this about Mama: "What a joy to remember that she is our Mother! Since she loves us and knows our weakness, what have we to fear?"

When our mothers look at us, they don't see us as purely the mistakes we make, or our negative personality traits. Rather, we are their children. Their imperfect, beautiful children. Mama Mary is no different. She loves us, warts and all.

May our prayer grow and mature, and may we understand the love our Mama in heaven has for us, and our imperfection.

Like My Mother Does

image via www.cassiepeasedesigns.com

Yesterday was the Feast of the Annunciation, the day that a fourteen year old girl said yes to God and literally saved the world.

When I was fourteen, I didn't even have the ability to sit through a guitar lesson.

But, wow, how beautiful is it that our Momma, without knowing what would come out of it, said 'yes' to bearing God's son?

What if she had said no? What if she had anxiety over how this baby would change her plans? She was supposed to marry Joseph and live a quiet life, and know suddenly she was to be pregnant, and unwed? It was almost a death sentence!

But she said yes. And thank the Lord she did, because she helped save humanity.

That is what we're all called to. To trust God so much, that we say yes, not knowing what that yes leads to. Our heavenly mother is an example of our potential.

God loves us so much that He gave us the ability to say no to His plans. But imagine the beauty that could come from our humble acceptance of His will!

I'm praying for you, that you see the beauty in God's plan for your life, and ask that you pray for me, that I understand the same.