Good Friday in Our Lives

Think about your worst moments. The worst moments of your life. Rock bottom. Despair. Hopelessness. Whatever you want to call it. Think of the moment that life seemed unbearable and you didn't think you would make it.

I don't know what this time is for you, but I think mine was one night (just around a year ago), as I stood at the top of a flight of stairs and contemplated taking my own life. I thought about how easy it would be to simply throw myself down the stairs and end everything. It didn't cross my mind that this might not even kill me. All I cared about was that it could.

This was my Good Friday. When I looked at life and wondered what could possibly matter. If anything could actually have a purpose. If life was actually worth it. If you had asked me then, I would have said that it wasn't. It felt like I was drowning in a dark ocean with no bottom in sight. As much as I looked for light, I couldn't find it. It seemed hopeless.

But it wasn't. Eventually, the sun started to shine. Hidden at by the obstacles in my life, but still there. Slowly, the sun became more and more prominent.

We're each going to face a "Good Friday" in our life. Maybe multiple. The time when we can't find God anywhere and He is gone from our lives.

But He will not leave us wanting. He is never gone. If we experience a Good Friday, surely, we will experience an Easter Sunday, too.

Lenten Observances For Those Who Suffer From Mental Illness

Maybe it's just me, but whenever Lent comes around, I always seem to fail at my plans and sacrifices, and later feel like I set myself up for failure. This time of year is always pretty hard for me, I know that it is for other people, so I thought I might make a list of Lenten observances that are ideal for those who suffer from mental illness(es). Feel free to comment with your own on this post or on the Facebook page!

1. Start praying on your morning commute. 
Brandon Vogt shared 6 ways to make your morning commute into a retreat.

2. Pray a novena. 
Some suggestions are St. Dymphna, the patron of those who suffer from mental illness, St. Therese of Lisieux, who is believed to have struggled with mental illness herself, and Our Lady, Undoer of Knots. This is by no means an exhaustive list!

3. Spend time cultivating good and solid relationships. 
Open up to your family and friends about your struggles (while recognizing their boundaries), pray with and for them, and spend quality time with them.

4. Try Lectio Divina 

5. Spread hope and love through your witness. 
Think about submitting your story of hope, healing and journey with mental illness here (I'm always looking for guest bloggers, too)!

6. Unfollow/unfriend anyone you don't need/want in your life.
If someone is a roadblock in your journey with Christ, maybe now is the time to stop following them on social media. Think of this way: is this a person that you see/want to see outside of your phone screen. If no, why do you want to see them ON the screen?

7. Take up prayer journaling.

8. Begin the practice of positive affirmations. 
I LOVE the app ThinkUp . It lets you record your own voice saying the affirmation of your choice. You can enter your own, or they also give you suggestions. They don't have any faith-based affirmations on the app, so I'm super glad they give you the option to enter your own. The Littlest Way has some great reflections on the power of affirmations and some ideas for biblical-based affirmations. 

8. Pray the Rosary daily. 
This page on Facebook is encouraging folk to pray the Rosary daily using the Sorrowful Mysteries for those who are affected by mental illness, if you want a specific intention.

9. Read a spiritual book that will positively impact your life! 
Right now, I'm reading The Way of Serenity and I Believe in Love. Both of them are changing my life and utterly spectacular.

10. Give counseling a shot.
If you aren't going to counseling, see if you can find someone you like. If you already regularly go, continue to go regularly!

11. Take time daily/weekly to pamper yourself! 
Self care is so so important, and if you begin to treat yourself well, you will inevitably begin to think higher of yourself, too.

12. Fast from isolating yourself. 
Try to spend time with at least one person each day.

13. Cultivate a grateful heart.
Write down three things your grateful for every night, and thank God for those things.

14. Fast from comparing yourself to others. 
Theodore Roosevelt once said that "comparison is the thief of joy", and the more I've reflected on it, the more I've found it to be true. There are no two people out there that can be compared. We are our own people with our own struggles, backgrounds, and stories.

15. Fast from watching TV during the week. 
Jane the Virgin can wait till Sunday.

16. Donate to a charity. 
Don't just discard of your old items, go out and choose new items to donate to a homeless shelter, unwed mothers' home, or other organization that helps those who need a little extra.

17. Pray for the people in your life. 
And tell them that you're praying for them via a text, or even (**gasp**) snail mail!

18. Fast from social media at specific times, certain social media, or social media as a whole. 
Instead of scrolling through Instagram or Facebook the first time you wake up, how about praying a rosary or reading the daily readings? Even sending a friend a text to say good morning would be an improvement!

19. Use your talents to make something and donate it to someone. 
You can crochet a blanket for a friend, make baby hats for the local hospital, or even make dinner for a grieving family in your community.

20. Begin the practice of regularly praying the St. Michael Prayer. 
It is so powerful.

21. Try at least one new positive coping skill. 
(check out this cool "adult" coloring book with beautiful bible verses to color in!)

22. Start (or continue!) doing daily devotions. 
For women, I love Blessed is She and She Reads Truth.

23. Stop by a church just to pray at least once a week.

24. Fast from negative thinking. 
Towards yourself and others.

25. Use social media as a way to evangelize! 
Post quotes, pictures, links, etc. about the Church and God's Love.

26. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter helping the less fortunate. 
You will be able to see and love God's forgotten people face to face, and helping others can also increase your self-esteem and lessen depression and anxiety.

27. Spend at least 15 minutes exercising every day.
Go on a walk, run, jog, do yoga, lift, whatever. Exercise is extremely beneficial for those of us with mental illnesses, and if you start treating your temple with kindness and love, you will have an increase of feelings of self-worth, too! I love using Sworkit, an app that lets you choose different types of exercises for different lengths of time.

28. Go to adoration. 
Bask in the savior's love for you!

29. Give up using technology in bed. 
Pray the rosary while trying to sleep instead of scrolling through Instagram.

30. Drink at least 8 cups of water daily. 
Did you know that dehydration can cause anxiety?

31. Get to know the saints! 
You can choose a saint every week, or just focus on one saint for the entirety of the season. Ask them to pray for you!

32. Consecrate yourself to the Blessed Mother! 
I've used 33 Days to Morning Glory and loved it. If you want to consecrate yourself on Easter, start on February 23rd.

33. Bask in the mercy of God! 
It's the year of mercy, read The Diary of St. Faustina, pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, ask for God's help in forgiving someone who wronged you, forgive yourself.

34. Do 46 "random" acts of kindness.
One for each day (including Sundays!) of Lent.

35. Fast from negative self talk.

*NOTE
do not try to attempt all of these at once! Choose one or two, and go for it! Have a blessed Lent!

Guest Post - A Letter to My Future Therapist

To my future therapist,

Hello. To answer the question I know you will inevitably ask, I honestly have no idea how you can help me.

I do not that I need help and I'm hopeful that you can be a part of that. I know that I need healing and I need to know what is within me. I know a diagnosis won't fix everything, if anything, but all that I know isn't helpful if I am trying to face the unknown. I have seen its outline, and I have felt its presence for so long that it seems like forever, but I don't know what it is. I know I can't control what happens in my head or heart or whatever body part houses the darkest parts of our being, but I can shine light on it.

Right now, I am hiding from it just as much as it may be hiding within me. I know with time, I can work to understand it and live with it. It is a part of me, and no matter how much I may dislike myself at times, I love myself more. But right now, I don't know where to start.

I would start from the beginning, but by now, everything seems to be smeared together. There have been moments in my life that stand out, but I don't know what came first anymore. I can't tell you whether the events happened and then I started feeling the way I do, or vice versa. How do I feel? Well, that is another complicated question. The best, and most honest, answer I can give you is, I don't know. I have been too afraid to address that question with an open heart and mind. Being honest is scary. Being honest with something like this, that is terrifying.

This isn't my first counseling session ever; however, it is the first I feel strong enough (well, determined enough) to be as honest as I can about everything. I have lied to myself and others for so long that I almost started believing the lies. I lie(d) because I thought it would be easier to lie than face the truth. That in itself was a lie. Although, my theory may have been true in the moment, I now know it only hurts as it continues on.

I don't want to be ashamed of myself or my past anymore. I refuse to allow darkness to be my identity, but it is a part of me, and I am now choosing to address it and be my true self again. I have no idea if I am truly "ready" to face all of this, but I'm going to anyway because I doubt I'll ever be fully ready for such a thing.

_____________________________________________________________________

Stephanie Townsend is a 22 year old who has traveled a path of her own, which eventually lead her to God. She received the sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, and First Communion in April 2015. Stephanie believes wholeheartedly in God's mercy and love, and strives every day to show others the beauty God places in the lives of all. Life has proven to be a day to day struggle for her; however, focusing on the beauty all around and maintaing hope even when it seems gone is how she is able to continue the path God has created for her.

"No matter the difficulties in life, God will always be there to carry you, love you, and show you just how priceless you are."

Letting Go is a Leap of Faith

As you may know, I am currently taking a medical leave of absence from school. I came home a few days after Halloween after realizing that I was in a bad place and in need of more help than I could get while being a full time student.

It wasn't an easy realization.

Actually, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to admit myself: that I couldn't hold on any longer.

I had to let go.

I had to let go of my pride that said I was too good to admit this weakness. I had to let go of my expectations for myself. I had to let go of my fears about what my family and friends would say.

Stop holding on and just be held.

 It took me a long time to realize that letting go and taking a break from school was not weak. It was not cowardly. It was not taking the easy way out.

It was taking a leap of faith. When I let go... I was putting the next few months completely into God's hands. I was going home to an uncomfortable situation, leaving all my friends, and entering into intensive treatment. And I had to trust that God wanted me to be back in Connecticut at this specific part of my life.

And so I packed up my dorm and went back to Connecticut. I started in an Intensive Outpatient Therapy program at Yale Hospital, where I went four days a week for over three hours a day. I made medication changes.

And for the first time in a year, I feel like Katie again.

I'm still a work in progress, and to be honest, my faith has taken the back burner to my mental health treatment right now.

But that's okay. God has never left my side. Right now I'm not able to give Him the worship He is due. My worship and prayer and faith is imperfect. But it is made perfect in Him.

Friends, I still wonder what life would have been like if I stayed at the Mount this semester. If I had just held on a little bit longer.

The what ifs don't matter. It's the what IS that matters.

If there's something you're holding onto that you know you need to let go of, let it go. God will never forsake you.

The song I've really been praying with since coming home is Create in Me by Rend Collective. I first heard it at a retreat I was volunteering at, and when I heard the following lyrics, I sobbed with joy, with gratitude, because God has so much more in store for me.

Create in me a miracle, something real and something beautiful. 

You're not finished with me yet. 

By your power I can change, I can change. 

You're not finished with me yet. 

God makes all things new. He takes the gross and yucky and transforms them into the most beautiful things.

He's working on you and me, too.

Let go, and let Him work within you.

Dear Twenty-Fifteen

Dear 2015,

Well, you almost did it. You almost broke me. You threw everything you had at me: my cat's death, a year-long depression, an overnight evaluation in a psych ward, my parents' separation... and the eventual culmination of depression, stress, and anxiety, that I had to leave school.

I didn't think I would make it. I really, really didn't. For almost all of October, I woke up, disbelieving that I could go even one more day.

You gave me way more than I could handle. And honestly, I kind of hate you for that.

But somehow, I made it through.

I'm still broken and mourning the loss of my parents' marriage and childhood home. I'm still feeling like I was run over by a truck. I still feel tired, exhausted, and sometimes hopeless.

But I did it. I'm alive.

And it's because of you, 2015, that once again, I am hopeful.

I am hopeful for this year, that I will be able to go back to finish my final semester. That I will find peace. That I will be able to find joy in my current (and to be frank, crappy) circumstances. That I will continue incredible friendships and create new ones. That I will be one step closer to the Katie I was born to me.

So, here's to you 2015. In one way... don't let the door hit you on the way out, in another... thank you for reminding me that for the past twenty two years, I have survived.

Love,
Katie

A Prayer for Trust in Jesus