More than I Can Handle.

You know that cliche saying that people say to you when you're struggling? "God never gives you more than you can handle".

I'm calling bullshit.

Right now, I'm way over my head with tough times. My home life is beyond rough and undergoing painfully devastating transitions and changes, my classes are insanely difficult and require time I don't have. I have work, as well as my responsibilities to the school newspaper, bible study, adoration, mass, as well as remembering to live out my vocation as a friend, daughter, and sister. I'm also preparing for graduation in May, and looking into applying to jobs, or maybe grad school, or mission work. Add to the mix that my very best friend is no longer at school with me to cry on, vent to, and grow with, and I'm a hot mess.

When I got news about what was going on at home, it was the beginning of midterm week. Papers were due, exams were creeping up, and I was behind in all my reading. If I'm not working or at extra-curricular activities, I'm locked in my room, isolated from the world. I was barely seeing my friends, and knew I was beginning to slip into a depression. This was the straw that broke the Katie's back.

God's given me more than I can handle. Way, way, more.

I'm going to be honest, I've been slipping on my prayer life. I have a lot of forgiving to do, and I don't know if I'll be able to do it, or if I want to do it. Faith is exhausting. Why go to daily mass when I can cover myself in blankets in bed and watch hours of Parks and Rec? Why pray the rosary when I can nap? Why go to bible study when I could do, well, anything else? Aiming to purity? Why would I aim for something when I can barely keep my head above water right now?

I try to put the brave face on, pretend that I'm perfectly fine and nothing's wrong, when the reality is that my life is falling apart. I don't eat on a regular schedule, instead I binge on a bag of candy my mom got me for Halloween, and root beer. Sometimes I'll make an expedition to the vending machine and get some chips, if I'm feeling up to being seen in my messiness.

On Thursday before break, I let my mask fall as I told my friend everything. I kept apologizing to her for ranting (and crying) and she just looked at me with such compassion and said, "Katie... we're friends. That's what friends are for. I care about you and want to be able to be there for you."

I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest as I realized I didn't have to pretend to be okay and fake smiles all the time. I could be broken with her, and she'd help me carry my cross.

This is all too much for me to handle, but I wasn't created to carry my cross in isolation. God is supporting my broken self as I try to make it through the world, fighting my battles for me, and putting people in my life who will love and support me not only through my triumphs, but through my despair and failures too.

In their song "No Man is An Island", the band Tenth Avenue North sings:

No man is an island, we can be found. No man is an island, let your guard down. You don't have to fight me, I am for you. We're not meant to walk this world alone. 

 I firmly believe that God frequently gives us more than we can handle, for the sole purpose of reminding us that we were meant to live in communion with Him and others.

I'm still struggling, but with time, forgiveness is seeming more and more possible. My heart is being opened and lightened with His mercy and grace.

Lord, in Your time, make me whole and new in You.

Guest Post: The train wreck that is TRAINWRECK

Okay, let's have a real chat about this movie that critics say is "taking over the summer". The movie with a very fitting title, "Trainwreck". The movie is about Amy, a woman whose parents divorced when she was young. Ever since her parents' separation, she has the idea in her mind that "monogamy isn't realistic". She, in her adult life, has had casual sex with many partners and hasn't really tried to be in a committed relationship. She meets this doctor and she finds herself falling for him. However, she has a difficult time deciding if a loving relationship is worth leaving her a life of casual sex.

After watching the trailer and some previews for the movie, I felt really grossed out. One of the more, for lack of a better word, memorable moments of the videos was the day after Amy had sex with the doctor. She is sitting with her friend, and when he calls her for some reason, Amy and her friend are weirded out. Because, apparently, when you have sex with someone, it's totally not okay for him, or her, to call you the next day and ask to see you again. Weird. That's so weird. Amy's friend even tells her that she should call the police.

Another moment that stands out is when Amy is talking to someone else about her new love interest, and she says that she's not really sure about him. Not because of his interests, or personality, but because the sex isn't the best she's ever had. Because that's what really matters in a relationship.

Watching the previews for Trainwreck has actually made me feel really sad about our society, and how comfortable we are with a warped view of sex and intimacy. It's not just sex, but sex with whomever, whenever, and for whatever reason, commitment not required. Ladies, I think that society tells us that we can do whatever we want with our bodies, because it's empowering to feel sexy and have all these sexual partners and be experienced. There is this need and pressure to erase the double standard that sexually active men are studs and so great, but sexually active women are sluts, or trashy. While there is undeniably a double standard regarding the sexual habits of men and women,  this isn't the way to eliminate it. Both men and women need to exercise modesty and chastity. That's the best way to create equality between men and women.

Personally, I don't like the message that this movie is putting out there. There is this message that you can just sleep with whomever you want without there being any negative consequences. This frivolity harms more people than you may think. First, let's talk about your responsibility to yourself. You don't need to have sex with a bunch of other people to be wanted. There's already a really awesome guy who wants you: Jesus (and you can't go wrong with Him). Make that relationship work, and I guarantee that you won't feel the need to fill that void with anything the world has to offer, including multiple sexual partners. The second responsibility you have is to your future spouse. There will come a time when you'll have to have the talk. The talk about your experience. Do you really want to say, "Oh, I've slept with fifteen different men, and it never meant a thing"? Would you want to hear the man you hope to marry say that to you? Ladies and gents, as a communal people, we have a responsibility to care for and love one another. Use by means of "no-strings-attached" sex is neither caring nor loving, and though it may seem like a victim-less act, there is more to the world than just ourselves.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that movies like this, movies like Magic Mike and Fifty Shades of Grey have really distorted sex. Sex is supposed to be a union that happens between two people who love each other so much that they literally want to give up their sense of self and become one with the other. These "romance" movies have tainted that. Chastity is not simply abstaining from sex, rather it is an appropriate expression of the sexual desires that are natural for humanity. Chastity is ultimately an expression of true, real love. These movies have destroyed that, and we have to take it back.

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Alexis Watson is a sophomore at Mount Saint Mary's University. She has a blogs at Beautifully Biracial where she talks about not only fashion and makeup, but life and what her childhood was like growing up as a biracial girl. She is very excited to be sharing one of her posts of Cloudy with a Chance of Catholic and hopes you like what she has to say! Thank you!

Thanks to my beautiful friends Tea and Megumi for letting me use their picture!

I'm Not Strong Enough

Can we all just talk super quick about how hard it is to ask for help? Whether it be with a project, or affording something, or during a time of doubt, it's probably one of the hardest things to do. When you ask for help, it's a rejection of pride and an admission to yourself and others that maybe, just maybe you don't have it all together.

Basically if we're not able to do it ourselves, we're weak. Or at least that's what we're told to believe. But in reality, the strongest people are the ones who are able to put aside their pride, and admit that they need help.

When I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, my mom made it clear that I could never put my problems on someone else. I had a hard time drawing the line of what was appropriate to mention and what was inappropriate. I'd say things about self-harm or my hospitalizations, and my mom would give me the "that's too much information" or "you're making other people feel bad/uncomfortable talks".

And so I learned to never, ever talk about how I felt with my friends.

It wasn't until my senior year of high school that a friend encouraged me to share my difficulties with her. I remember being pretty dumbfounded, and tread carefully when telling her about my problems.

She loved me after that, too.

My freshman year of college was basically a miracle. Everyone kept telling me how amazing I was doing and how proud they were of me. Which, when things got hard, made it so hard for me to ask for any help. I couldn't let everyone down. I was strong enough.

But, gosh, I wasn't. I'm still not. None of us are. Jesus wasn't strong enough to carry His cross on His own. Simon had to help Him out.

Sometimes, we can't do it on our own. And that's okay. God created us to be in community, with others and with Him. Don't be afraid to reach out to Him, and to those He has placed in your life.

Hands of Mercy, won't you cover me? Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough, strong enough, for both of us. 

Allowing yourself to be loved after loving

In November I helped lead a retreat that really changed my life. I gave my testimony, lead a small group, and found Jesus all over again. I loved more than I ever have in my life, and leading the girls on retreat was one of the best experiences in my life. I put my entire heart into planning and leading this weekend.

And then it ended.

Don't get me wrong, my desire and need to love others continued, it continued intensely. But, I was unable to allow myself to be loved, by God or others.

The relationships I had made on the weekend were incredible, founded on vulnerability, openness, and a desire for relationship with Christ. But many of these friendships were with girls who I had led, who I was supposed to lead to Christ. After that weekend, vulnerability and openness about my hurts, pain and struggles was nonexistent with these beautiful women I considered sisters.

In my testimony, I talked about my depression. It's a taboo topic for me in some ways, I hate admitting my mental illness, and often I feel like once I admit my flaws and allow my loved ones to see me at my worst, they'll be afraid and run.

What if the people I trust run away from me? 

It's a common fear, being afraid of our own flaws and what will happen when others see them. Fear is the reason we keep these flaws in the dark.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus says: "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." - John 8:12. We are not meant to live in darkness, no matter how scary, awful, and just plain dark our lives get. We are the people of light and love. Let there be light.

At Jesus' most vulnerable, the night of His death, he was alone. The man He told to build His Church denied even knowing Him. One of His best friends put a price on his life. What was it? Twenty pieces of silver for a friend? Throughout His mission, people followed him all over, He had twelve steady apostles who all said "Aw, bro, yeah, we'll do anything for ya!" When He was carrying His cross, a complete stranger was the one who helped out. Not one of the people who declared Him Lord, not the blind man who was now able to see, but a random man picked from the crowd. Besides His Mother (God love her), complete strangers were the one who carried His cross, wiped His face, wept for Him.

At the foot of the cross was John, a young boy, Mary Magdalene, who may or may not have been freed from demons (no one really knows, but she's still a boss), and His mother.

How could this be? Jesus is God. He didn't have to be so alone. When picking His disciples, He could have chosen people who would've stuck by Him, but He chose these sinful, flawed people, knowing full well the abandonment that was to follow.

Please, I beg you, don't let fear ruin your chances of loveAllow people to see your wounds and scars. There is no deeper love than the love of one who sees them, and sees beauty and strength. You deserve that love, whether in a friendship or romantic relationship. Allow yourself and your scars to be loved. 

You are worthy of love. Real, true, heart racing, lay down my life for love. Seek friendships and relationships that encourage this love.

"We love, because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

Beauty in the breakups

A fantastic blog post by one of my closest friends and dear sister in Christ!!!