The Prostitute Who Never Was.

Today was the feast day of one of my favorite saints, St. Mary Magdalene. Not a whole lot is known for sure about Mary, but a lot is assumed. She is often times thought to be the woman who Christ saved from being stoned, a prostitute, or the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her hair and tears. There are only a few things that are known for certain: Jesus drove SEVEN (!!!) demons out of her, she stood at the foot of the cross during His passion, and she was the first person Christ

revealed Himself to after His resurrection. Although this isn't a lot to go off of, this speaks volumes about the type of person Mary was and the love and relationship between her and her Savior.

Mary, called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out. (Luke 8:2)

Demonic possession is no joke. You read stories about it today, and the Church still teaches that the demonic is never to be toyed with. Poor Mary. Can you imagine being plagued by such evil? For me, I imagine she must have felt what I often feel like when I'm in a depressive state. Empty, yet controlled by something that is not myself. Scared, broken. People probably thought she was crazy, and parents probably pointed her out to their children and told them to stay away. Her humanity was taken from her. But then, a man, an ordinary looking man reaches out to her, and he heals her, restores her humanity.

He set her free.

Whatever is on your heart, whatever you think you will never shake, give it to Jesus. He masters demons and sends them back to hell, as shown in the Gospel of Luke through the example of Mary Magdalene (the boss).

Meanwhile, standing near the cross of Jesus were his mother, and his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. (John 19:25)

After being freed by Christ, Mary recognized His power and became a dedicated disciple. When all His friends ran and denied knowing Him, she stayed. She watched as the man who saved her life was
brutally killed before her eyes. She showed her faithfulness and gratitude for the great things He had done for her by waiting with Him.

When the sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices, so that they might go and anoint him... Now after he rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, from whom he had cast out seven demons. (Matthew 16:1,9) 

Even when all seemed lost, Mary continued to show her faithfulness to her Lord by tending to his body. And Christ showed His love and respect for her by appearing to her, and asking her to spread the news to the rest of the disciples. And she did.

Mary was so in love with Christ that death couldn't take that love away. And when hope and love returned... she ran to spread the amazing news.

Mary's story is one of healing and redemption, one which can fit into our own lives. No matter what ails us, or what false god we turn to, Christ wants us, just the way we are. He wants to hurt with us, and rejoice with us. To bring healing after hurt, and light in the darkness.

Only one question remains: will you let Him into your heart so He can transform you? 

Allowing yourself to be loved after loving

In November I helped lead a retreat that really changed my life. I gave my testimony, lead a small group, and found Jesus all over again. I loved more than I ever have in my life, and leading the girls on retreat was one of the best experiences in my life. I put my entire heart into planning and leading this weekend.

And then it ended.

Don't get me wrong, my desire and need to love others continued, it continued intensely. But, I was unable to allow myself to be loved, by God or others.

The relationships I had made on the weekend were incredible, founded on vulnerability, openness, and a desire for relationship with Christ. But many of these friendships were with girls who I had led, who I was supposed to lead to Christ. After that weekend, vulnerability and openness about my hurts, pain and struggles was nonexistent with these beautiful women I considered sisters.

In my testimony, I talked about my depression. It's a taboo topic for me in some ways, I hate admitting my mental illness, and often I feel like once I admit my flaws and allow my loved ones to see me at my worst, they'll be afraid and run.

What if the people I trust run away from me? 

It's a common fear, being afraid of our own flaws and what will happen when others see them. Fear is the reason we keep these flaws in the dark.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus says: "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." - John 8:12. We are not meant to live in darkness, no matter how scary, awful, and just plain dark our lives get. We are the people of light and love. Let there be light.

At Jesus' most vulnerable, the night of His death, he was alone. The man He told to build His Church denied even knowing Him. One of His best friends put a price on his life. What was it? Twenty pieces of silver for a friend? Throughout His mission, people followed him all over, He had twelve steady apostles who all said "Aw, bro, yeah, we'll do anything for ya!" When He was carrying His cross, a complete stranger was the one who helped out. Not one of the people who declared Him Lord, not the blind man who was now able to see, but a random man picked from the crowd. Besides His Mother (God love her), complete strangers were the one who carried His cross, wiped His face, wept for Him.

At the foot of the cross was John, a young boy, Mary Magdalene, who may or may not have been freed from demons (no one really knows, but she's still a boss), and His mother.

How could this be? Jesus is God. He didn't have to be so alone. When picking His disciples, He could have chosen people who would've stuck by Him, but He chose these sinful, flawed people, knowing full well the abandonment that was to follow.

Please, I beg you, don't let fear ruin your chances of loveAllow people to see your wounds and scars. There is no deeper love than the love of one who sees them, and sees beauty and strength. You deserve that love, whether in a friendship or romantic relationship. Allow yourself and your scars to be loved. 

You are worthy of love. Real, true, heart racing, lay down my life for love. Seek friendships and relationships that encourage this love.

"We love, because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19