More than I Can Handle.

You know that cliche saying that people say to you when you're struggling? "God never gives you more than you can handle".

I'm calling bullshit.

Right now, I'm way over my head with tough times. My home life is beyond rough and undergoing painfully devastating transitions and changes, my classes are insanely difficult and require time I don't have. I have work, as well as my responsibilities to the school newspaper, bible study, adoration, mass, as well as remembering to live out my vocation as a friend, daughter, and sister. I'm also preparing for graduation in May, and looking into applying to jobs, or maybe grad school, or mission work. Add to the mix that my very best friend is no longer at school with me to cry on, vent to, and grow with, and I'm a hot mess.

When I got news about what was going on at home, it was the beginning of midterm week. Papers were due, exams were creeping up, and I was behind in all my reading. If I'm not working or at extra-curricular activities, I'm locked in my room, isolated from the world. I was barely seeing my friends, and knew I was beginning to slip into a depression. This was the straw that broke the Katie's back.

God's given me more than I can handle. Way, way, more.

I'm going to be honest, I've been slipping on my prayer life. I have a lot of forgiving to do, and I don't know if I'll be able to do it, or if I want to do it. Faith is exhausting. Why go to daily mass when I can cover myself in blankets in bed and watch hours of Parks and Rec? Why pray the rosary when I can nap? Why go to bible study when I could do, well, anything else? Aiming to purity? Why would I aim for something when I can barely keep my head above water right now?

I try to put the brave face on, pretend that I'm perfectly fine and nothing's wrong, when the reality is that my life is falling apart. I don't eat on a regular schedule, instead I binge on a bag of candy my mom got me for Halloween, and root beer. Sometimes I'll make an expedition to the vending machine and get some chips, if I'm feeling up to being seen in my messiness.

On Thursday before break, I let my mask fall as I told my friend everything. I kept apologizing to her for ranting (and crying) and she just looked at me with such compassion and said, "Katie... we're friends. That's what friends are for. I care about you and want to be able to be there for you."

I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest as I realized I didn't have to pretend to be okay and fake smiles all the time. I could be broken with her, and she'd help me carry my cross.

This is all too much for me to handle, but I wasn't created to carry my cross in isolation. God is supporting my broken self as I try to make it through the world, fighting my battles for me, and putting people in my life who will love and support me not only through my triumphs, but through my despair and failures too.

In their song "No Man is An Island", the band Tenth Avenue North sings:

No man is an island, we can be found. No man is an island, let your guard down. You don't have to fight me, I am for you. We're not meant to walk this world alone. 

 I firmly believe that God frequently gives us more than we can handle, for the sole purpose of reminding us that we were meant to live in communion with Him and others.

I'm still struggling, but with time, forgiveness is seeming more and more possible. My heart is being opened and lightened with His mercy and grace.

Lord, in Your time, make me whole and new in You.

Thanks to my beautiful friends Tea and Megumi for letting me use their picture!

Allowing yourself to be loved after loving

In November I helped lead a retreat that really changed my life. I gave my testimony, lead a small group, and found Jesus all over again. I loved more than I ever have in my life, and leading the girls on retreat was one of the best experiences in my life. I put my entire heart into planning and leading this weekend.

And then it ended.

Don't get me wrong, my desire and need to love others continued, it continued intensely. But, I was unable to allow myself to be loved, by God or others.

The relationships I had made on the weekend were incredible, founded on vulnerability, openness, and a desire for relationship with Christ. But many of these friendships were with girls who I had led, who I was supposed to lead to Christ. After that weekend, vulnerability and openness about my hurts, pain and struggles was nonexistent with these beautiful women I considered sisters.

In my testimony, I talked about my depression. It's a taboo topic for me in some ways, I hate admitting my mental illness, and often I feel like once I admit my flaws and allow my loved ones to see me at my worst, they'll be afraid and run.

What if the people I trust run away from me? 

It's a common fear, being afraid of our own flaws and what will happen when others see them. Fear is the reason we keep these flaws in the dark.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus says: "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." - John 8:12. We are not meant to live in darkness, no matter how scary, awful, and just plain dark our lives get. We are the people of light and love. Let there be light.

At Jesus' most vulnerable, the night of His death, he was alone. The man He told to build His Church denied even knowing Him. One of His best friends put a price on his life. What was it? Twenty pieces of silver for a friend? Throughout His mission, people followed him all over, He had twelve steady apostles who all said "Aw, bro, yeah, we'll do anything for ya!" When He was carrying His cross, a complete stranger was the one who helped out. Not one of the people who declared Him Lord, not the blind man who was now able to see, but a random man picked from the crowd. Besides His Mother (God love her), complete strangers were the one who carried His cross, wiped His face, wept for Him.

At the foot of the cross was John, a young boy, Mary Magdalene, who may or may not have been freed from demons (no one really knows, but she's still a boss), and His mother.

How could this be? Jesus is God. He didn't have to be so alone. When picking His disciples, He could have chosen people who would've stuck by Him, but He chose these sinful, flawed people, knowing full well the abandonment that was to follow.

Please, I beg you, don't let fear ruin your chances of loveAllow people to see your wounds and scars. There is no deeper love than the love of one who sees them, and sees beauty and strength. You deserve that love, whether in a friendship or romantic relationship. Allow yourself and your scars to be loved. 

You are worthy of love. Real, true, heart racing, lay down my life for love. Seek friendships and relationships that encourage this love.

"We love, because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

The Letter Project

Last weekend, I was feeling incredibly sad. No, not sad. I was desolate. I was in my bed, just sobbing, and it felt like all of my limbs had fallen asleep. I wanted my brain to turn off, but everything that was upsetting me just kept replaying in my mind, and I kept falling further and further as my internal voice taunted me, telling me I didn't deserve love.

But the thing is, I know I'm worthy of love, and more than that, I know I am loved! So, when I began to feel better, I called upon the people I knew loved me and asked them to do me a favor.

I asked them to write me a letter and mail it to me. My plan is to put these letters, unopened, somewhere safe. Then, whenever I feel the way I felt last weekend, I can pull out a letter and read words of love and friendship from someone I know loves me.

I've already gotten three letters, and I haven't opened one yet. That's great, but also, I really want to read what's in them.

Know that you are so, so loved. I know that you have people in your life who would do something similar in a heartbeat, or even quicker. Those who love you want you to know their love. If you feel like this letter project is something that could help you, I urge you to reach out to your loved ones, and I know that they will respond.

100 Happy Days: Day 3

There's no such thing as a small victory.

Yesterday, I was super sad. Like, I climbed up in bed and cried for a good hour sad. It was not pretty. I remember when I was crying to myself, I was afraid that this meant that I was going to be in a major depression for the rest of the semester, like last year. But somehow, I was able to reach out to a friend, and told her I needed to talk.

I never did that last year. I kept it inside until it hurt, and refused to tell anyone, including my mom and therapist. But this time, I reached out and asked for help.

I referred to my ability to do that as "a small victory", but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn't small, in the least.

I could have decided to stay in bed crying, feeling sorry for myself, instead of reaching out and asking for help. I could have resorted to self harm, which I had in the past.

But I didn't.

That's no small victory. That's just... a victory. And it shows just how far I've come since this time last year.

There's no such thing as a small victory. Every victory is a sign of strength in its own way. Don't downplay your successes by calling them small. They're awesome, and I'm proud of you!

God is too. He doesn't require we succeed in big huge ways, every small success, He's so proud of us. He really is. He only asks that we try.

And if you don't succeed, He's right there, with a hand outstretched, ready to brush you off and help you try again. Reach out to Him. He wants to love you. Don't forget: saints are just sinners who got back up.

I'll be praying for you, warrior. Please pray for me!

What I learned in 2013

Not all friendships last forever. Sometimes, things need to end, so you can be reminded that the only thing that lasts is God.

It's okay if friendships end. You know that silly, cliche quote: "If one door closes, another one opens?" Sometimes, that's really true, and sometimes, you realize that door wasn't so wonderful from the outside as it was from the inside.

Don't settle for "good enough". Always strive for better. Are you happy with your group of friends? Make new ones. Are you happy with that B in your lit class? Aim for that B+. Going to mass on Sundays and doing fine? Add confession, daily prayer, adoration and/or daily mass into the mix.

There are things that you have no control over. That's okay, too. Sometimes, you can physically do nothing, but don't lose hope.

Never underestimate the power of prayer. God loves His children, and He hears their cries and their petitions. He will comfort them.

This year was full of lessons, and I am excited to find out what God has in store for me in 2014!

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find that perfect little place I belong at school.

I have no doubt that I'm supposed to be at the Mount. God has given me signs upon signs upon signs... but sometimes it's hard to be here.

I see groups of people always together, always hanging out. I used to have that, but then I screwed up. Or maybe I didn't. But things changed. I changed.

Last spring was a mess, I was sobbing in bed on a daily basis. I would have bet on my soul that nobody cared.

This year is better, but it's still tough. I mean, it's still the beginning, so things can change, and I think they will. But right now it's tough. There's never enough room for me to be able to do things with my friends, or I'm just not invited.

They don't have to spend every waking moment with me. Hell, I hate doing that. But sometimes it'd be nice to be included instead of feeling like you're intruding on something.

I'm praying that I'll find my niche, I know God will show it to me, and that I'll find it. I just sometimes wish that His timing was more like my own.