To my future therapist,
Hello. To answer the question I know you will inevitably ask, I honestly have no idea how you can help me.
I do not that I need help and I'm hopeful that you can be a part of that. I know that I need healing and I need to know what is within me. I know a diagnosis won't fix everything, if anything, but all that I know isn't helpful if I am trying to face the unknown. I have seen its outline, and I have felt its presence for so long that it seems like forever, but I don't know what it is. I know I can't control what happens in my head or heart or whatever body part houses the darkest parts of our being, but I can shine light on it.
Right now, I am hiding from it just as much as it may be hiding within me. I know with time, I can work to understand it and live with it. It is a part of me, and no matter how much I may dislike myself at times, I love myself more. But right now, I don't know where to start.
I would start from the beginning, but by now, everything seems to be smeared together. There have been moments in my life that stand out, but I don't know what came first anymore. I can't tell you whether the events happened and then I started feeling the way I do, or vice versa. How do I feel? Well, that is another complicated question. The best, and most honest, answer I can give you is, I don't know. I have been too afraid to address that question with an open heart and mind. Being honest is scary. Being honest with something like this, that is terrifying.
This isn't my first counseling session ever; however, it is the first I feel strong enough (well, determined enough) to be as honest as I can about everything. I have lied to myself and others for so long that I almost started believing the lies. I lie(d) because I thought it would be easier to lie than face the truth. That in itself was a lie. Although, my theory may have been true in the moment, I now know it only hurts as it continues on.
I don't want to be ashamed of myself or my past anymore. I refuse to allow darkness to be my identity, but it is a part of me, and I am now choosing to address it and be my true self again. I have no idea if I am truly "ready" to face all of this, but I'm going to anyway because I doubt I'll ever be fully ready for such a thing.
Right now, I am hiding from it just as much as it may be hiding within me. I know with time, I can work to understand it and live with it. It is a part of me, and no matter how much I may dislike myself at times, I love myself more. But right now, I don't know where to start.
I would start from the beginning, but by now, everything seems to be smeared together. There have been moments in my life that stand out, but I don't know what came first anymore. I can't tell you whether the events happened and then I started feeling the way I do, or vice versa. How do I feel? Well, that is another complicated question. The best, and most honest, answer I can give you is, I don't know. I have been too afraid to address that question with an open heart and mind. Being honest is scary. Being honest with something like this, that is terrifying.
This isn't my first counseling session ever; however, it is the first I feel strong enough (well, determined enough) to be as honest as I can about everything. I have lied to myself and others for so long that I almost started believing the lies. I lie(d) because I thought it would be easier to lie than face the truth. That in itself was a lie. Although, my theory may have been true in the moment, I now know it only hurts as it continues on.
I don't want to be ashamed of myself or my past anymore. I refuse to allow darkness to be my identity, but it is a part of me, and I am now choosing to address it and be my true self again. I have no idea if I am truly "ready" to face all of this, but I'm going to anyway because I doubt I'll ever be fully ready for such a thing.
_____________________________________________________________________
Stephanie Townsend is a 22 year old who has traveled a path of her own, which eventually lead her to God. She received the sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, and First Communion in April 2015. Stephanie believes wholeheartedly in God's mercy and love, and strives every day to show others the beauty God places in the lives of all. Life has proven to be a day to day struggle for her; however, focusing on the beauty all around and maintaing hope even when it seems gone is how she is able to continue the path God has created for her.
"No matter the difficulties in life, God will always be there to carry you, love you, and show you just how priceless you are."
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please be kind! If it's not kind or charitable, it will be deleted.