More than I Can Handle.

You know that cliche saying that people say to you when you're struggling? "God never gives you more than you can handle".

I'm calling bullshit.

Right now, I'm way over my head with tough times. My home life is beyond rough and undergoing painfully devastating transitions and changes, my classes are insanely difficult and require time I don't have. I have work, as well as my responsibilities to the school newspaper, bible study, adoration, mass, as well as remembering to live out my vocation as a friend, daughter, and sister. I'm also preparing for graduation in May, and looking into applying to jobs, or maybe grad school, or mission work. Add to the mix that my very best friend is no longer at school with me to cry on, vent to, and grow with, and I'm a hot mess.

When I got news about what was going on at home, it was the beginning of midterm week. Papers were due, exams were creeping up, and I was behind in all my reading. If I'm not working or at extra-curricular activities, I'm locked in my room, isolated from the world. I was barely seeing my friends, and knew I was beginning to slip into a depression. This was the straw that broke the Katie's back.

God's given me more than I can handle. Way, way, more.

I'm going to be honest, I've been slipping on my prayer life. I have a lot of forgiving to do, and I don't know if I'll be able to do it, or if I want to do it. Faith is exhausting. Why go to daily mass when I can cover myself in blankets in bed and watch hours of Parks and Rec? Why pray the rosary when I can nap? Why go to bible study when I could do, well, anything else? Aiming to purity? Why would I aim for something when I can barely keep my head above water right now?

I try to put the brave face on, pretend that I'm perfectly fine and nothing's wrong, when the reality is that my life is falling apart. I don't eat on a regular schedule, instead I binge on a bag of candy my mom got me for Halloween, and root beer. Sometimes I'll make an expedition to the vending machine and get some chips, if I'm feeling up to being seen in my messiness.

On Thursday before break, I let my mask fall as I told my friend everything. I kept apologizing to her for ranting (and crying) and she just looked at me with such compassion and said, "Katie... we're friends. That's what friends are for. I care about you and want to be able to be there for you."

I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest as I realized I didn't have to pretend to be okay and fake smiles all the time. I could be broken with her, and she'd help me carry my cross.

This is all too much for me to handle, but I wasn't created to carry my cross in isolation. God is supporting my broken self as I try to make it through the world, fighting my battles for me, and putting people in my life who will love and support me not only through my triumphs, but through my despair and failures too.

In their song "No Man is An Island", the band Tenth Avenue North sings:

No man is an island, we can be found. No man is an island, let your guard down. You don't have to fight me, I am for you. We're not meant to walk this world alone. 

 I firmly believe that God frequently gives us more than we can handle, for the sole purpose of reminding us that we were meant to live in communion with Him and others.

I'm still struggling, but with time, forgiveness is seeming more and more possible. My heart is being opened and lightened with His mercy and grace.

Lord, in Your time, make me whole and new in You.