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Hallelujah is Our Song.

Today was Pope John Paul II's second feast day as an official saint of the Church. *throws confetti* And we all know how great I am at writing blog posts at the last minute of a favorite saint's feast day (shout out to Mary Magdalene), so here we go.

My sister, best friend and I at St. John Paul's
National Shrine in Washington, DC.

What is so spectacular about JP2 for me is the fact that I actually remember him. I was alive while he was. Sadly, the biggest memory that sticks out to me was the day the day before he died.

My homeschool group was at daily mass, and after mass had ended, the associate priest came running into the sanctuary holding a big picture frame and an easel. He set up this picture, which was of the Holy Father, and announced to the confused congregation that Pope John Paul had lost consciousness and was in the last days of his life. I was around twelve at this time, but I remember being shocked, and immediately kneeling to pray.

As a child, I knew what a special man he was and what a loss the world would experience with his passing.

I wish I knew the moment that I fell in love with this amazing man and his mission, but it was in the last few years. I think it had to do with this video:

It's a silly and fun video, but it was my first introduction to his beautiful words of self-worth, love, and redemption. I eventually heard this quote, which changed my life:

We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his son.

Wow. Just... wow.  How often do I need this reminder? Spoiler alert: Every single moment for my entire life.

Praying in front of  a relic of Saint John Paul's
at the National Shrine of the Immaculate
Conception in Washtington, DC.

No matter what mistakes we make, no matter what wrong paths we take, God's love for is is greater than us at our very very worst.

The Power of the cross is stronger than the power of our brokenness.

I literally need this reminder so frequently that it's my email signature. True story.

Another quote that changes me, whenever I read it, is:

“Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.” 

Again: wow. This man knew the human heart. I swear, these two quotes were said with me in mind. At the literal worst moment in human history, the mindless killing of the Messiah, it seemed like the end. But despite it all, Christ still rose. He defied human expectations and returned.

After the darkest night, the sun rose.

And so it is with our own lives. After our worst, darkest days, the sun of joy and hope will rise. Christ is with us.

St. John Paul II, thank you for reminding us that our darkness does not define us. That God loves us and sees us beyond our brokenness and shortcomings, that we are called to bask in the sunlight.

Friends, no matter where you are in life, know that you'll be okay. You've made it through every worst day you've already experienced. Go you! Sunrise is coming for you, nothing lasts forever, I'm glad you're here, and please, continue to fight the good fight.

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Here are some awesome images of some of my personal favorite JP2 quotes!

As I said in this post, St. Jude has adopted me and become my patron saint for my last fall semester as an undergrad (I suddenly became old?!)

Pray More Novenas is doing a a novena to St. Jude starting today, which I will be praying, and I would love for you to join me!

More than I Can Handle.

You know that cliche saying that people say to you when you're struggling? "God never gives you more than you can handle".

I'm calling bullshit.

Right now, I'm way over my head with tough times. My home life is beyond rough and undergoing painfully devastating transitions and changes, my classes are insanely difficult and require time I don't have. I have work, as well as my responsibilities to the school newspaper, bible study, adoration, mass, as well as remembering to live out my vocation as a friend, daughter, and sister. I'm also preparing for graduation in May, and looking into applying to jobs, or maybe grad school, or mission work. Add to the mix that my very best friend is no longer at school with me to cry on, vent to, and grow with, and I'm a hot mess.

When I got news about what was going on at home, it was the beginning of midterm week. Papers were due, exams were creeping up, and I was behind in all my reading. If I'm not working or at extra-curricular activities, I'm locked in my room, isolated from the world. I was barely seeing my friends, and knew I was beginning to slip into a depression. This was the straw that broke the Katie's back.

God's given me more than I can handle. Way, way, more.

I'm going to be honest, I've been slipping on my prayer life. I have a lot of forgiving to do, and I don't know if I'll be able to do it, or if I want to do it. Faith is exhausting. Why go to daily mass when I can cover myself in blankets in bed and watch hours of Parks and Rec? Why pray the rosary when I can nap? Why go to bible study when I could do, well, anything else? Aiming to purity? Why would I aim for something when I can barely keep my head above water right now?

I try to put the brave face on, pretend that I'm perfectly fine and nothing's wrong, when the reality is that my life is falling apart. I don't eat on a regular schedule, instead I binge on a bag of candy my mom got me for Halloween, and root beer. Sometimes I'll make an expedition to the vending machine and get some chips, if I'm feeling up to being seen in my messiness.

On Thursday before break, I let my mask fall as I told my friend everything. I kept apologizing to her for ranting (and crying) and she just looked at me with such compassion and said, "Katie... we're friends. That's what friends are for. I care about you and want to be able to be there for you."

I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest as I realized I didn't have to pretend to be okay and fake smiles all the time. I could be broken with her, and she'd help me carry my cross.

This is all too much for me to handle, but I wasn't created to carry my cross in isolation. God is supporting my broken self as I try to make it through the world, fighting my battles for me, and putting people in my life who will love and support me not only through my triumphs, but through my despair and failures too.

In their song "No Man is An Island", the band Tenth Avenue North sings:

No man is an island, we can be found. No man is an island, let your guard down. You don't have to fight me, I am for you. We're not meant to walk this world alone. 

 I firmly believe that God frequently gives us more than we can handle, for the sole purpose of reminding us that we were meant to live in communion with Him and others.

I'm still struggling, but with time, forgiveness is seeming more and more possible. My heart is being opened and lightened with His mercy and grace.

Lord, in Your time, make me whole and new in You.