100 Happy Days: Day 8

I got to meet Jared Padalecki in New York City! Such a genuinely sweet man :)

100 Happy Days: Day 7

Watching FRIENDS with my friend <3

Newsflash! Women don't suffer from lust!

Just kidding. We do. We really do.

However, it seems to me that the world doesn't quite understand that yet. Women are the ones held accountable for keeping their brothers out of sin. No one seems to realize that women can face the exact same struggles.

I began looking at porn when I was around twelve years old. I found my grandfather's stash, and with a mixture of what was disgust and curiosity, I flipped through magazine after magazine every time I visited. I eventually discovered that pornography was easily accessible from the internet. It went from something I looked at on occasion to something I looked at at least once a day, if not multiple times.

When I first realized I had a problem, I looked up resources (Catholic, to be specific) to help me stop what I thought was a simple sin and bad habit. Everything I found was for men. Although I'm sure that many of the methods would have helped me if I had given them a shot, they made me feel like a freak. I felt like the only woman in the world who struggled with lust.

That's a lie.

Women do struggle with lust, and they struggle with pornography. If you are a woman who struggles with this, I'm writing this for you. You are NOT alone. You are not a freak. You are worthy of love, real, true love, and already beloved by a Father in heaven.

Maybe I'm wrong, but in my experience, it is next to impossible to just stop lusting and looking at porn. I haven't hit a point where I've permanently stopped, but I'm at a point where I realize the gravity of the sins I commit and am working hard to stop. Here are some things I've found helpful.

Ask God to help you see your true worth

It is important that you realize how beloved, important and cared for you are. Read scripture, religious writings. Surround yourself with positive people who uplift and love you. If you do not truly, fully believe that you are loved without end, without restrictions or conditions, I've discovered that you will continue to treat yourself as a purely sexual object, subjecting yourself to pornography.

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." - Zephaniah 3:17

Get all of your extra energy out

I noticed that when I worked out, even for just twenty minutes, it helped me a whole lot in the midst of temptation. Even if you're super super busy, think of exercising as a way of pampering yourself, and just do it.

Understand Your Triggers

What is it that causes the temptation? Try to understand what situations lead to your temptations. For me, it was late at night when I was restless or bored and my phone was handy. I would put on nature sounds and concentrate on my breathing to help myself fall asleep. I would put my phone under my sheets so it was harder to reach in times when I'd falter. Maybe for you it's reading romance novels or watching romantic movies that can cause you to feel a longing for connection, but not in a good way.

Jessica Harris of Beggar's Daughter has a whole series on the importance of identifying triggers, and the different type of triggers here.

Your body craves porn but the moment and your mind justifies it, but the moment you are finished, your heart cries out “How could you!” and your mind says, “Yeah! How could you?” - Jessica Harris

Tell a Friend and ask them to hold you accountable

Being honest about your problem can lead to some surprises, including the understanding that you are not alone. It also gives you the power over the sin. If you are ashamed and humiliated by it, you are letting sin control you, and have power over you. God died so that we might have power over sin. Ask a trustworthy friend to hold you accountable with your struggles.

Jessica Harris also wrote a series on the importance of accountability here.

Bottom line: we have to have people.  Pornography does not draw us toward people.  It draws us into ourselves.  It confines us to hours and days of secrecy, darkness, isolation, and fear, and many of you might be feeling the effects of that.  You feel socially awkward, even paranoid.  You feel depressed or lifeless.  You feel like you’re drifting. - Jessica Harris

Reconciliation. Lots, and lots of reconciliation.

I know the sacrament of Reconciliation can seem scary and intimidating. For years, I could not say the name of my sin in the confessional. I always confessed my involvement with "some impure things". It wasn't until I (accidentally) said the name of the sexual sins I struggled with that I realized that they had no power over me. Through His death and resurrection, Christ has freed us from the bondage and shackles of sin.  You are strong. God has given us power over our sin. Don't let the sin have power over you.

O death, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting? The sting of death is sin; and the power of sin is the law: but thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

Take advantage of the Eucharist

Did you know all Catholics have a secret weapon? Seriously.

Go often to Holy Communion. Go very often! This is your one remedy. - St. Therese of Lisieux 

Our one remedy! The Eucharist is our hope! When we receive the Body and Blood of Christ, we get so many graces. Did you know that the reception of communion wipes out venial sins, and gives power to stand strong in the face of mortal sin. If you can go to daily mass, go. Maybe it cuts into your Netflix time (guilty), but going to mass, and listening to the word of God, and receiving Christ's body and blood is worth cutting into that House of Cards marathon. There is nothing like the mass and the reception of the Eucharist. Nothing.

Hold On Hope

Hope is the theological virtue by which we desire the kingdom of heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ's promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit. "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." "The Holy Spirit . . . he poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that we might be justified by his grace and become heirs in hope of eternal life."

You may stumble and fall, but know that our God is good, and that He wants to heal you. He wants you to spend eternity with Him.

Persevere

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9

I am praying for you, sisters.

We are More.

So I'm no longer the only person I know who hasn't read John Green's best seller The Fault in Our Stars.

The Fault in Our Stars tells the story of two cancer-ridden teenagers, Augustus and Hazel, and their relationship. Something that really stood out to me in the story was the difficulty that some characters had separating themselves from their illness, their flaw. This idea is first brought up in the second chapter when Augustus asks Hazel to tell her "story"

     “So what’s your story?” he asked, sitting down next to me at a safe distance.
     “I already told you my story. I was diagnosed when—”
     “No, not your cancer story. Your story. Interests, hobbies, passions, weird fetishes, etcetera.”
     “Um,” I said.
     “Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who becomes their disease. I know so many people like that. It’s disheartening. Like, cancer is in the growth business, right? The taking-people-over business. But surely you haven’t let it succeed prematurely.”

Whenever someone asks me about myself, I tend to blank, like they're asking me about a complete stranger. Sure, things come to mind, like my depression, the fact I'm overweight, but I don't really want to tell a friend, "Hi I'm Katie and I'm a fat and depressed girl. Wanna see a movie on Tuesday?"

We always seem to see the worst in ourselves, our insecurities and flaws become our most prominent features. John Green, through Augustus, makes it clear in The Fault in our Stars that we are so much more than whatever we are at our worst.

What is your story? It's not your biggest mistake, or your inabilities. It's not your illness, your loneliness, or low body image. As Christians, our story is the story of Christ's death and resurrection, the death that He endured so that we may have life, and tell our story.

One of my alltime favorite songs is You Are More by Tenth Avenue North. The chorus says:

"You are more than the choices you have made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create. You've been remade."

God sees us as beautiful, beautiful creatures that He made in His image. He sees past our failures and sees into our souls, seeing the potential for the ultimate greatness: sainthood.

How hard is it for us to see ourselves, or our peers, as God sees them?

At times, it can seem impossible. I know it feels like people don't see us the way that God does, but if we want others to look at us and see Christ, see our real story, we must adopt the ability to see ourselves the way that God sees us: destined for the most beautiful greatness of all.

 

I am not the Girl on Fire or Divergent, but do I still have a battle to fight?

we may not be characters in a YA dystopian thriller, but that doesn't mean we aren't fighting an important battle.

What is Modesty?

"Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31

This has been a question I've been thinking about for a long time: how do you define modesty? Can there be one definition of modesty? 

So, I decided to look at a few sources to get an idea of what different people think modesty is.

According to Wikipedia, modesty is "a mode of dress and deportment intended to avoid encouraging sexual attraction in others..."

Although I guess that if you dress modestly, this can be a side effect, I don't think this definition covers even a fraction of what modesty really is.

Saint John Paul II said that the problem with pornography wasn't that it showed too much, but that it showed too little. What does he mean by this? Pornography shows not only the human body, but the person, as a sexual object with a sole purpose of sexual pleasure and instant gratification. Humanity is worth so much more than that, so much more than only being used for pleasure. In this Lifeteen post, the author says that this is the problem with immodesty.

So, with that in mind, we can say that immodesty is an objectification of the human body, and modesty is seeing the body as a vessel of the person within.

I once said that I wasn't modest. I'm still not sure if I am. Sure, I cover what needs to be covered, but in all honesty, it's not to reflect the dignity of my personhood, but to cover what I think is ugly.

So, I'm going to define modesty: Modesty is a way of dress which glorifies the Lord and reflects the dignity of the person.

We are called to glorify God in all that we do, not man. That includes modest dress and immodest dress. If we are dressing modestly simply to make sure that no one is sexually aroused by us, we are putting man before God. We are trying to please those around us.

Similarly, if we wear what is "cool" with the knowledge that it is not pleasing to God. We are putting man before God.

When you put something on, don't think what your grandmother or brother or father or best friend would think: think about what God would think.

 

100 Happy Days: Day 6

This is my dog, Thecla. I snapped a picture of her just as she decided it was time to lick her face.

100 Happy Days: Day 5

I posted this on Mothers' Day. It's a picture of my mom hugging me after I got my first tattoo, "strength" on my wrist. She encouraged me getting it, and never fails to remind me just how strong I am.

100 Happy Days: Day 4

Finding out I got an A in my Theology class, Lay Ministry, was the highlight of my week.

100 Happy Days: Day 3

Defending the Impractical Students

As of Thursday, I am officially halfway done with my college career. I can't even believe it. Freshman year went by so slow, but Sophomore year? I feel like I blinked, and then I was done.

I started off the fall semester  but finally taking the classes needed for my majors. I took Introduction to Literary Study I, and Introduction to Christian Theology. I also discovered that I'm good at philosophy, and really like it, to boot! Because I hate myself, I declared myself an English and Theology Major with a minor in Philosophy.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="279"] Katie before declaring her double major and minor.[/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="332"] Katie post-declaration of double major and minor.[/caption]

But really, I am so glad I took on that Philosophy minor. It goes beautifully with Theology and English, and I have learned so much because of the classes I've taken and the skills they have taught me. Even though Theology, English, & Philosophy are considered to be three of the most useless majors (rude), I am so passionate about all three and the good they can do in the world.

Really, is any major "practical"? It's incredibly rare for college students to find a job in their major right after graduation, and most majors require a Masters' degree to get anything done. You can't really do anything with a psychology or sociology degree unless you go to school for at least two more years.

There are going to be people who judge me for my decisions, but there are also so many people who support me, and even respect me for it. Something I have learned is that, often, my biggest judge is myself.  That's also the hardest judge to defend myself to. I can tell everyone why I've chosen my majors, "Because it's what I love", but when my inner judge comes out, no defense  is good enough to excuse my "crime" of impractical majors.

I find myself second guessing my English major almost daily, "Should I have gone with communications instead? What if no one wants to hire me simply because I'm an English major?" Maybe choosing communications would have been more practical, but it wouldn't have led me to the self-discovery and passion I've found as an English major.

In the long run, I hope that's what matter. When I'm sitting in a job interview, and my interviewer asks why I chose English as opposed to communications, maybe "because I loved it. Because I wanted to learn to analyze, and understand, and write about what I analyzed and understood. I wanted to see how the world influences art, and how art influences the world. I am learning that.

Would I love to have  a big house with a super stable job and a steady and heavy income? Well, duh. I am human. But I also know that things aren't going to make me happy. If depression has taught me anything, it is that you can get everything you want, and still feel worthless and unloved. Happiness is found in God.

I started this blog post out as "lessons I've learned after sophomore year" and it morphed into this... thing. Yeah, I'm not really sure what it is. But, I guess that's life, huh?

 

 

100 Happy Days: Day 1

This picture was taken the Saturday before finals. I was studying in the library with a friend for our American History class, which was also my hardest class. To help keep me awake, I got my favorite drink, and it made studying just that much better.

100 Happy Days: Day 2

The best study break? Watching the show you used to love when you were five :)

Empty Shelf Challenge Update (May)

At the beginning of the year, I decided to do the Empty Shelf Challenge that Jon Acuff is running. At the beginning/end of every month, I've been wanting to do an update and say which books I've read in that month, buuuuttt, I've forgotten every time. Except now! Here it is: The books I've read for the Empty Shelf Challenge 2014!

January

Allegiant by Veronica Roth

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins *

February

The Dead by James Joyce ~

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde ~

Mrs. Warren's Profession by George Bernard Shaw ~

March

Forgiveness and Love by Glen Pettigrove ~

The End of the Affair by Graham Greene ~

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie by Muriel Spark ~

A Study in Scarlet by Arthur Conan Doyle ~

Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl by Harriet Jacobs ~

April

The French Lieutenant's Woman by John Fowles ~

The Reader by Bernhard Schlink ~

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini ~

Atonement by Ian McEwan ~*

Maggie: A Girl of the Streets by Stephen Crane ~

Arcadia by Tom Stoppard ~

~read for school

*reread